Attempt #67 'Hog's Breath Cafe'

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When? - 8th of September, 2011

Where? - Hog’s Breath Cafe. Watergardens Shopping Center. 203/399 Melton Highway, Taylors Lakes

Price? – $21.95 (‘lite serve’ option $17.95)

Barry? - No

Website? - http://www.hogsbreath.com.au/

Reviewers – Lee & Nikki[/info]

 

Ever since Reviewer Stefo sent his review from London, I have been on the hunt for a pub that serves a parma with curly fries - A task I first thought would be easy, but quickly realised it harder than I thought. It took me a few weeks but eventually I stumbled on it - The Hog’s Breath Cafe.

Now I’m sure you have all heard of Hog’s Breath - I just did a quick count of their website and they are sitting at about seventy locations around Australia, They are all the same, sharing an identical menu, so I think its pretty much safe to assume that the parma at the hogs breath we attended (at the Watergardens Shopping center, Taylors Lakes) will be pretty much identical to what you would get at any of their 70 hogs-tacular locations.

We rocked up at the Hogs Breath just before seven on a Thursday and I was surprised at how busy it was already, the place was pumping. If you haven’t been to a hogs breath cafe before I’ll try to describe it … If you picture any stereotypical American family restaurant you are pretty much there - if you think ‘Shenanigans’ from the movie “Waiting” then you are spot on. Heaps of crazy crap on the walls, road signs, animal heads, lawn bowls, its very bright and kid friendly. I felt very odd ordering a beer with my meal, it was like having a pint at McDonalds.

A little game for you if you find yourself at Hog’s breath - Look anywhere, Left, Right, Up, Down, Behind you … anywhere and if you can’t see the words ‘HOG’S BREATH CAFE’ in your field of vision, you win (protip - you can’t win)

The menu is huge, heaps of options for pretty much whatever you can think of, its all very American - we started off with a basket of Mozzarella sticks (aka ‘deep fried cheese’… hello heart attack) which were actually pretty tasty with the ranch dressing. After a bit of searching I managed to find the Chicken Parma on the menu - they squirreled it away in the corner of a page pretty far back in the menu, it took some effort to find, but its there, available in a regular or ‘lite’ serve for a few bucks cheaper. After you order be prepared for an onslaught of questions about extras, the waitress pumped about 10 different options for sides, extras or sauces to accompany our meal, we stuck to the basics and didn’t order any.

After a slight wait and a hearty rendition of ‘Happy Birthday’ to the kids at the table next to us from the staff, our parmas arrived.

First of all, there was a lot of napoli … and not much else.

A little digging showed that the Hog’s Breath ‘parma’ was actually two pieces of chicken (about ‘KFC boneless fillet’ sized), covered in napoli and sprinkled with some shaved parmesan cheese - I mentioned that the place was very Americanised, but I have a feeling someone took the American pronunciation of ‘Chicken Parmesan’ a little too far, I have had Parmas in America on several occasions, and even they were closer to a parma than the Hogs breath (with the exception of the one at Universal Studios)

So, even though we were missing ham and melted cheese, we pressed on, I seperated the two chicken fillets to give a better picture of what was served -

I am yet to confirm this, but I would have to assume that the ‘lite serve’ available for $17.95 would have to be a single fillet as opposed to two of them. If that is true, its a bad deal and way overpriced… dont take the lite option)

To be honest, once I got over the lack of topping, the chicken actually tasted decent - It wasn’t a parma by any means, but whatever this frankenstein’s monster of a dish was, it actually tasted okay. The chicken fillets were of decent quality, possibly a little dry at times, but well cooked and fresh. We’ve had worse, is what I’m trying to say I suppose.

The curly fries were great as expected - the hunt was worth it as Hogs Breath have their signature ‘Hogs Tail fries’ to an art, perfectly seasoned and cooked, I just wish there were more of them! If the meals weren’t as expensive as they were I’d consider ordering a side of curly fries to accompany my meal.

The salad was surprising - it was pretty good. A pretty big garden salad of Lettuce, onion, cherry tomatoes, cucumber, carrot, kidney beans and balsamic dressing - It was a very decent accompaniment to the meal

The Hog’s Breath serves up a Chicken Parmesan. It is not a chicken parma, they should change the menu. Pubs can get away with leaving the ham off the parma and still calling it such, but when you also leave out melted cheese you are one ingredient short of being classed a parma. Sure the chicken actually tasted okay and the napoli, although over-abundant was pretty tasty. But it just wasn’t a parma, plain and simple.

If you find yourself at Hogs Breath, as much as it pains me to say, try and avoid the ‘Parma’ - Its a big menu and I’m sure you’ll find something much better. The sides were good, love the curly fries and the salad was solid, but those same sides also come with pretty much everything else on the menu, so best to opt for those in my opinion. As for Value, its pretty expensive - $21.95 for two KFC fillets and some napoli just isn’t on, and I’ve got a feeling the ‘lite serve’ is to be avoided at all costs.

Also, they have T-shirts.

Parma - 3.00
Chips - 7.5
Salad - 6.25
Value - 5.00
Total - 4.95

The search continues…

Hog's Breath Cafe on Urbanspoon

Attempt #66 - 'Palookaville'

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When? - 1st of September, 2011

Where? - Palookaville. 416 Brunswick St. Fitzroy

Price? – $14 (all mains on the menu $14)

Barry? - No

Website? - http://www.palookaville.com.au/

Reviewers – Adam, Lee, Nikki, Pat, Stefo[/info]

**EDIT** It is my sad duty to report that Palookaville has closed its doors and the parma-ish is no longer available. So long, Palookaville!

My reasons for selecting Palookaville for this weeks attempt were completely selfish, A pub called ‘Mana Bar’ has recently opened up in Brunswick street and I wanted to check it out, they don’t have a parma on the menu so the next best thing was to find a parma close to Mana Bar and wander down afterwards for post-parma drinks. Horribly self centered, I know, but they have freakin’ video games at Mana Bar … that is too awesome for words!

As soon as I heard the name of this pub my interest was piqued, To me Palookaville was the name of the fantastic Fatboy Slim album, or to a lesser extent that movie released in the nineties of the same name - It had never occurred to me to look into what Palookaville actually meant, Luckily the pubs website had me sorted.

“A word originating in the U.S. in the 1920’s meaning a stupid or oafish person, Based on the American comic book character Joe Palooka a Boxer over time evolving into a term of endearment as a simple but lovable character. The word Palookaville is an extension of this slang to refer to a place of simple people or simple principles.”

I was sold, the menu confirmed they had a parma… sort of (ill get to that in a minute) So we headed to Brunswick street for our dinner.

Before I arrived I was expecting Palookaville to be a small boutique bar, with a few bar stools and some tables, and from the outside it looks how I had imagined… how wrong I was! Once inside Palookaville opens up into a massive space, with pool tables, couches, heaps of seating for dining and one of the longest bars I have seen in awhile, Even though its big inside it retains a cozy atmosphere, and the super friendly bar staff were the icing on the cake - this was a good pub.

We looked at their menu, all the mains are $14, which makes things easy - not that we really looked at the other options. Here’s where it gets interesting though, the chicken parma on the menu isn’t called a chicken parma - its advertised as a “Chicken Parma-ish“

That little ‘ish’ is very important to the Palookaville parma, and you’ll see why when they arrived, we placed our orders and claimed a spot around a table on some very comfy couches, after a short wait our parmas arrived.

Different is an understatement! I was a little scared of the ‘ish’ when it arrived, I had never seen a parma served the way it was, I’ll break it down for you.

First of all the chicken schnitzel was pure, juicy chicken breast, obviously hand made and crumbed with spices reminiscent of the KFC 11 secret herbs and spices - watch out Colonel, I think Palookaville may have cracked your secret!

The schnitz was topped with mozzarella and pancetta, then in place of napoli there was a fresh tomato and onion salsa, think the topping you would find on a bruschetta, All topped with some oiled rocket and a massive slice of freshly shaved parmesan.

It was different, but different in the best way, The pancetta was delicious and the salsa was delightful - Palookaville has taken the parma and given it a twist, As someone who eats parmas on a weekly basis its nice to be surprised, and I was definitely surprised by Palookaville’s Parma-ish.

The chips aren’t really visible in the picture so I deconstructed the tower of parma and took another picture so you can take a look.

The chips were hand cut, house made beauties, We commented when we first got to them that it didn’t look like there were that many, however these chips were damn filling, actually calling them chips is a bit of a misnomer, think of them as sliced strips of roast potato, beautifully seasoned, and like the rest of the Palookaville parma, different in a good way.

Now the salad, basically… there wasn’t one, there were some slivers of rocket on the top of the parma and other than the massive slice of parmesan cheese, thats pretty much it. So we made an executive decision and invoked the ‘You don’t win friends with salad’ rule, set forth in our review of the James Squire, in accordance with the rule, the salad gets a flat 5 down the board, So the lack of salad will not downgrade the score - but it will not improve it either.

The Palookaville parma was a breath of fresh air, A welcome twist on the norm, I’m not saying this is how all parmas should be done - the classic parma is just that - a classic. However its nice to change things up once in awhile, (much like our review of The Napier, with Kangaroo in place of ham) and coming in at just $14 the parma-ish gets points for value, I’d be more than happy to revisit Palookaville for another.

And yes, We did go to Mana Bar afterwards and it was just as awesome as I had expected, except that I dropped my beer while playing Marvel Vs. Capcom 3 and everyone laughed at me … embarrassing.

Parma - 8.1
Chips - 8.7
Salad - 5
Value - 9.20
Total - 7.82

The search continues…

Palookaville on Urbanspoon

Attempt #65 - 'The Spread Eagle Hotel'

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When? - 25th of August, 2011

Where? - The Spread Eagle Hotel. 372 Bridge Rd, Richmond

Price? – $19 ($12 ‘Spready parma fest’ Sunday, Monday & Tuesday)

Barry? - No

Website? - http://www.spreadeagle.com.au/

Reviewers – Adam, Dale, Grace, Lee, Nikki, Pat, Stefo, Tony[/info]

 

So early last week I was looking at our map and I noticed that we had a pretty sizable gap in the Richmond/Toorak/Hawthorn area, this just wouldn’t do! So I sent out a call on Facebook and Twitter, asking for suggestions of pubs to hit in that area, we had a few suggestions come back, but the one name that stuck out to us was the Spread Eagle Hotel (mostly because the 16 year old boys sprang to life inside us and had a giggle at ‘spread eagle’). We loaded up the parma bus and headed to Bridge road to see what the Spread Eagle had to offer (teehee)

Parking was a bit of a problem when we arrived and we had to leave the car er..um bus a good 500m down Bridge rd and walk down, this turned out good as it afforded us the opportunity to notice that a lot of the pubs/restaurants in the area were advertising some kind of parma special, Which is fantastic for us as, classically, competition would drive up the quality of the parma. We were practically salivating when we took our seats and placed our orders.

I should mention that the parma at the Spready has the option of Chips and Salad or Veggies and Mash, everyone at the table opted for the chips and salad option, Some bake at home rolls came out of the kitchen after we took our seat, a very nice touch.

Oh before I go on I should mention that Reviewer Stefo has returned from his 3 month trip to London, he re-joined our group at the Spread Eagle and its great to have him back.

The Spread Eagle is a fantastically renovated pub, it has obviously had some work done, yet it retains its old-world charm perfectly, a great little spot I’d like to call my local, if i lived anywhere near it, It’s also worth mentioning that we were there on ‘locals night’ offering $2 off all wine by the glass and $3 pots of Carlton.

Before long, three parmas were trotted out of the kitchen, which would be fantastic, If we hadn’t ordered eight of them. After a ten minute wait another two parmas arrived, at this point courtesy went out the window and those of us who got the first round tucked in, leaving the three reviewers who had yet to recieve their food very sullen as we ate, after another twenty minute wait their food arrived and we all breathed a sigh of relief.

Now lets time travel back to when I got my parma, in the first lot that came out

The first thing that struck me about my parma was the black ring around the edge, someone had been in the grill a little too long I think, With a little trepidation I tucked in.

The schnitzel was processed, not too thin, but not winning any awards for thickness either, There was minor nude schnitzel but nothing too offensive, there was plenty of cheese and a very chunky, possibly home made napoli. I wasn’t sure about the inclusion of ham, so with my fork I lifted the cheese and went on a ham hunt, couldn’t find any so I simply assumed the parma didn’t come with any ham - it wasn’t until I got to my last fork-full that I found a piece of ham, I was surprised as I couldn’t taste it at all during the meal.

The chips were smooshed under the parma, standard pub chips that were nothing special - not bad, just not noteworthy.

I thought the salad was a pretty decent side, garden salad with lettuce, onion, tomato, carrot, cabbage and cucumber with a splash of balsamic dressing. Standard garden salad that served us pretty well … that is until Reviewer Grace found an unexpected visitor crawling out from under a leaf of lettuce

Uhhh… Waiter? there’s a fly in my parma.

He was alive, but in his death throes… perhaps he had just committed insecticide *badum*ching*

As far as we noticed, everyone else’s salad was insect free, but it definitely affected the score of the meal

The Spready is a great looking pub in a great spot and definitely worth remembering for a pint of Cider on a Saturday arvo, there is a cozy little beer garden out the back that would be great for a summer evening and the vibe of the pub in general is a positive one. Unfortunately I can’t recommend the parma, at least not at full price, it was bordering on okay but the overcooked edges, the staggered arrival of the meals and the appearance of our winged friend in the salad definitely brought the mood down.

They offer a $12 Parma Sunday, Monday, Tuesday special with a variety of toppings and the like, and even run a trivia comp with their parmas at noon on Sundays - worth checking out if you’re in the area, but I wouldn’t be hurrying back anytime soon

Parma - 5.13
Chips - 5.69
Salad - 3.81
Value - 4.88
Total - 4.93

The search continues…

Spread Eagle Hotel on Urbanspoon

Attempt #64 - 'Turf Bar'

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When? - 18th of August, 2011

Where? - Turf Bar. 131 Queen St, Melbourne

Price? – $19.50 ($15 ‘Parmas of the World’ Wednesday)

Barry? - No, But 2 pool tables and digital tabletop poker & bocce

Website? - http://www.turfbar.com.au/

Reviewers – Adam, Cale, Lee, Matt, Pat, Tony[/info]

This week we visit Turf Bar on Queen st., however we had not intended to visit Turf Bar on Queen st. - All week long we had planned to visit the ‘Lanai Restaurant & Bar’ which is squirreled away within the CQ nightclub.

I had seen someone from CQ post their opinions of someone’s parma on facebook, and was interested to see if they could put their parma where their mouth was - Unfortunately when I called on Wednesday to book a table I was informed that Lanai Restaurant only serves food at Lunchtime, not at dinner - And seeing as we have yet to fulfill our dream of eating chicken parmigiana for a living, our day jobs prevent us from visiting any pubs during the lunch hour.

So! It took a quick googling to discover that the Turf Bar, literally next door to CQ, also offer up the combination of chicken, ham, cheese and napoli that we all know and love. Proximity to CQ was perfect so it didn’t mess with anyones plans at all - I booked the table, we piled into the Parma Bus and headed down.

As soon as I walked into the Turf Bar I was in love, this pub is a gem. First of all, you have to go downstairs to get into the pub, which gives it a massive ‘Cheers’ vibe. Massive bar, heaps of wood everywhere (its a sign of a good pub when they have a lot of wood. And coat hooks. A good pub has lots of coat hooks!) plenty of TV screens running sports, great looking meals coming out of the kitchen (there is a 1kg T-bone steak on the menu for $60, advised to be ordered 24 hours in advance) and the bar girls were amazingly friendly and helpful.

Actually, if you are having trouble picturing the place, think ‘MacLarens’ from How I Met Your Mother and you’re pretty much there. Awesome.

Turf Bar reminds me so much of this pub, but nicer … and with more guys in suits.

Anyway, back to the food.

We grabbed a pint and took our seats in the dining area, There was full table service available for drinks as well as food, but we opted to get our drinks from the bar (it makes it easier when it comes to splitting the bill at the end of the night).

We ordered our parmas and kicked back, Signs posted around the place indicated that we had missed Turf Bar’s $15 ‘Parma’s of the World’ night by 24 hours, so we had regular parmas at $19.50 a pop, not too shabby if the parma is quality.

In fairly short order (I forgot to time it again) our meals arrived.

Looking good so far, it struck me as a little small when it first arrived, but that fear was quickly allayed after I cut into it, the chicken breast was thick and juicy, well crumbed, with some very minor schnitzel nudity - and even then it was only partial nudity, the sideboob of parmas.

Gotta love that sideboob

They weren’t at all tight with the napoli and cheese, the smoked ham was delicious and it spread its flavour throughout the parma giving it a delicious smokey taste. Well cooked, well crumbed, real, unprocessed chicken breast. A fine chicken parma.

I need to start putting a 20c coin or something in the cross section for perspective, it was thicker than it looks in this photo.

The chips were set beside the parma (thank god) and in abundance. They were well seasoned with chicken salt and came with a personal tomato sauce pot on the plate, you may remember from our review of The Exchange that I am a big fan of personal sauce pots. A great touch.

Unfortunately the salad was so/so - A garden salad with Lettuce, onion, tomato cucumber, some mustard seeds and a cream dressing. It was fine as far as garden salads go, and by no means was it bad, just nothing outstanding.

After we finished our food we adjourned to the pool tables for a game before heading out, quite often on parma attempts we just eat and leave, but the Turf was so damn inviting I just didn’t want to go.

Had a few more pints, and there was almost a de-pantsing at the pool tables … almost.

The Turf Bar’s parma was pretty damn good and worth checking out, I’d be happy to pay $19.50 for it again so hitting it on the Wednesday Parma night would be gravy. The pub itself is amazing, I am in love and will definitely be returning in the near future.

On the way out I looked down through the window and saw this room, that I didn’t see from inside the bar -

Doesn’t that look like the cosiest goddamn room you’ve seen in your life?! 

Parma - 7.25
Chips - 7.92
Salad - 5.58
Value - 7.58
Total - 7.12

The search continues…

Turf Bar on Urbanspoon

Attempt #62 - 'The Napier Hotel'

 

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When? - 4th of August, 2011

Where? - The Napier Hotel, 210 Napier St, Fitzroy

Price? – $20.00

Barry? - No

Website? -  http://thenapierhotel.com/

Reviewers – Carly, Lee, Nikki, Pat[/info]

 

I was stumped at the start of the week when it came to pubs to try, we had just come off our review of The Exchange, which took the spot as our new #1 parma, so surely the parma following that act would pale in comparison. I looked at our map and saw a bit of a gap in the Fitzroy region, I also remembered that the Napier was in Fitzroy, and they offered up a parma that we had been meaning to try for a very long time

Still not convinced I turned to Cleverbot, the website that lets you chat to an artificial intelligence… hopefully he could shed some light on the situation.

Well… that was pointless. So we decided on the Napier, loaded up the Parma Bus, and headed to Fitzroy.

There was a smaller group this week so I decided not to make a booking… BIG mistake - this (rather large) pub was packed when we arrived, and it was barely even 7pm. Luckily we managed to squeeze in to a table in the front bar.

Now the Napier offers up two varieties of parma, A standard parma and a very original offering where in place of ham they stack fillets of smoked kangaroo. Tantalizing, no?

There were four reviewers so we agreed to get two roo parmas and two ham parmas, with the condition that we were all allowed to have a taste of the other one, for review purposes. $20 each, we placed our order at the bar, and awaited our foods arrival.

I had hoped to institute a new feature in Parma Daze this week in which I timed how long the parma took from ordering to delivery. I recorded the order time (7.24pm) but when the parmas arrived I was so excited I totally forgot to record the arrival time, from memory it was about half an hour … not too bad.

I have photos of both the roo parma and the ham parma below

The Roo Parma

 

The Ham Parma

I ordered the roo parma and I have to say I was in total shock when it fell to the table - I was expecting shaved roo slices as if they had been through a deli slicer - no sir, this was sliced roo fillets, about the same size you would see in a stir fry, smoked to perfection and tender as hell. they added a unique taste to the parma that has to be tasted to be described - a truly different parma experience that every parma lover needs to try!

The chicken was top quality breast, thick, big, well crumbed and generously covered in toppings, my only complaint (similar to last weeks parma) is that they overdid it a littlewith the napoli, some areas were swimming in it and it overpowered the rest of the chicken, but otherwise a great parma. During my meal I had the opportunity to try the Ham variety, and even though I was greatly enjoying the Kangaroo parma I must say that the ham variety was delicious in its own right, its amazing how the ham completely altered the flavour of the entire meal, yet kept it tasty, I’d be torn if I had to choose between roo and ham a second time, both were vastly different, yet equally delicious.

Cross section - you can see some kangaroo on top -

The chips were crinkle cut … points already, and well salted, there was a decent serving (under the chicken unfortunately) but we got a fair few ‘poo chips’ as they were dubbed, the ones that didn’t come out quite right, like an inbred puppy, where the other chips were golden brown, the poo chips were dark and almost inedible - despite those it was a decent chip offering. Crinkle cut rocks.

The salad was a point of contention amongst reviewers. It was presented beautifully and looked amazing, however when you broke it down it was rather sparse and eating it became a challenge, It was a garden salad consisting of lettuce, tomato and lots of diced cucumber, with some parsley and dressing thrown through, very basic, but still kind of tasty, the problem came with trying to eat a pile of diced cucumber with a fork and a knife sitting on a very crowded barroom table, If a spoon were available it would be much easier but as it were the over-dicing of the cucumber became a hassle.

The Napier is a great, cosy pub, the decor is… indescribable, if you have any sort of moral objection to the Fitzroy Football club you might want to give this place a miss as the front bar looks like Fitzroy threw up on the place… in a good way! everywhere you look is a different piece of football paraphernalia, definitely enough to keep you entertained while waiting for your chicken

I was worried that this weeks parma would have a hard time following The Exchange but it put up one hell of a fight, this was a fantastic and unique parma experience that I’d be happy to try again any day of the week, points for originality, quality and the overall experience… a top notch parma!

Parma - 8.5
Chips - 8.15
Salad - 6.5
Value - 8.13
Total - 7.96

The search continues…

Napier Hotel on Urbanspoon

Attempt #59 - 'Leo's Spaghetti Bar'

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When? - 14th of July, 2011

Where? - Leo’s Spaghetti Bar, 55 Fitzroy St, St. Kilda

Price? – $14 for small parma, $19 for regular parma (see review for details)

Barry? - No

Website? - http://www.leosspaghettibar.com.au/

Reviewers – Adam, Lee, Nikki, Pat[/info]

Todays review is going to be a downer, which is possibly why I procrastinated on writing it for so long, why it is coming to you guys a few days too late, and for that I apologise.

Some non-review related stuff first, if you aren’t interested in that stuff, scroll down until Tony Danza tells you to stop, the review of Leo’s will kick off there.

First up, some news, Those who follow our story of how Parma Daze came to be will know that all the reviewers used to meet at the Prince of Wales Hotel in Ascot Vale every Wednesday, for their Wednesday parma night - a parma that after 59 reviews we are yet to find an equal. About a year and a half ago The Prince of Wales was torn apart by fire, and the best parma in Melbourne was lost.

Unfortunately last week word came through the grapevine that its pretty certain the owners of the building have opted not to rebuild the pub and have asked the owners of the Prince of Wales to vacate the premises, looking to sell the building to developers.

The Prince of Wales was a huge part of many peoples lives, including my own - It was my second home, and I wouldn’t be where I am today without that pub, I met my fiancee under its roof, as well as some of my best mates. Hopefully a little bit of the Prince shall live on in Parma Daze, as we still refuse to rest until we find Melbourne’s perfect parma.

Farewell, Prince of Wales Hotel. You will be missed.

Since the early days of this website, one restaurant has come up pretty regularly in conversation, via email, facebook, twitter and even word of mouth, Leo’s Spaghetti Bar always came up as one we should try. On at least ten separate occasions I have been suggested Leo’s, and to those ten people who suggested it to me I apologise in advance, as this review is probably going to offend you guys.

We arrived at a semi-busy Leo’s and took our seat, we glanced at the menu but we were pretty clear on what we wanted… parmas. After a few attempts we managed to wave over a waitress to take our order, but on ordering we were posed with a question that I wasn’t prepared for - would we like the ‘special’ parma, or the parma on the menu. I asked what the difference between the two was and she responded ‘Oh just the size of the chicken is a bit smaller, the special one is $14 and the menu one is $19’ Curious but hungry, Reviewers Pat, Adam and Myself ordered the $19 meal and reviewer Nikki volunteered to try the $14 variety. We organized a garlic & cheese pizza to stave off our hunger while we waited.

Now a small garlic and cheese pizza doesn’t go very far when you split it amongst 4 people, so after the first one was demolished in about 7 seconds flat we decided to try another - again we had to wave like madmen to get the attention of the staff to place our order, eventually we got it through and garlic pizza no #2 came out at the same time as our chicken parmas fell in front of us.

$19 Parma -

$14 Parma -

I first saw my parma, and size-wise it was decent (at first glance, anyway) but I was shocked when I saw reviewer Nikki’s parma - everything was smaller, smaller salad, tiny amount of chips and the size of the parma itself was laughable, it looked as if you could put it in a bun and call it a chicken burger - It’s pretty obvious what happened, those darn neighbour kids were playing with their baseball in the backyard, the ball smashed through Leo’s kitchen window and bam

Honey, They shrunk our parma.

But back to my parma, There was barely any nude schnitzel, heaps of cheese and some shaved ham, however it was very light on the napoli, leaving the parma very dry. I mentioned the abundance of cheese before however it was absolutely tasteless and rubbery, reminiscent of cardboard. The chicken itself was a little thin after first cut, which you can see from the following cross section - The chicken seemed to be of good quality, however taste-wise it didn’t quite cut it.

The chips were shoe-string (aka. McDonalds) fries, stacked under the parma, there was a decent serving, however completely forgettable.

The side salad was quite good, large serving of lettuce, onion, rocket, cucumber, tomato and onion with a creamy caesar dressing - very tasty.

This parma was a massive let down, mostly because I had heard so many good things I was itching to try it. The difference between the ‘special’ and ‘regular’ parma was simply shocking, 90% of the places we visit offer the exact same meal on the special night as they do on the regular night, having such a drastic change for a $5 difference in price is just insane, especially since $15 still isn’t that cheap in the world of parmas! especially without a free pot.

Although we don’t score on it, the service at Leo’s also has to be mentioned, it may sound as if I’m just nitpicking now, but we were never approached to see if we needed anything, not once, From our first order, to several drinks during the meal, to even getting the bill at the end of the night, we had to go to extreme effort to get any attention from the staff.

We did go to Cold Rock afterwards though (a few doors up from Leo’s), that was friggin amazing.  I got Cookies & Cream ice cream mixed with cookie dough. Seriously, how good is Cold Rock!?.

Parma - 4.75
Chips - 4.00
Salad - 5.63
Value - 5.75
Total - 4.98

The search continues…

Leo's Spaghetti Bar on Urbanspoon

Attempt #58 - 'The Castle Hotel'

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When? - 7th of July, 2011

Where? - The Castle Hotel, 56 Courtney St. North Melbourne

Price? – $19.50

Barry? - No

Website? - http://www.thecastlehotel.com.au/

Reviewers – Cale, Grace, Lee, Nikki, Pat, Tony[/info]

We first discovered The Castle after we finished our parma at our current #1 holder - The Metropolitan Hotel, just a stones throw from the castle, We stopped in for some post parma bevvys on that night back in May last year and found it was a nice little spot, and seemed to have potential to serve up a decent bird. We added it to the list & a short year and two months later we were back! ready to see what The Castle had to offer.

We rocked up at seven and took our reserved table - the bistro is very well presented, almost looking like they provided table service (wine glasses on table, etc) yet we still had to order from the bar - I perused the menu and found the parma -

That sounds like a veritable treat for the tastebuds! we ordered our meals, grabbed a few pints and took a seat, before too long our parmas arrived!

If we gave points for presentation, this parma had it in spades, it looked fantastic! the parma itself was set on an angle against the salad bowl, to create cover fore the chips without smothering them. It looked fantastic and I was really looking forward to digging in. Unfortunately on first bite I realised I was going to be sorely disappointed, It was like biting into the most delicious looking piece of fruit and discovering it was plastic. From the wording on the menu I was expecting something full of flavour but to be perfectly honest it tasted like cardboard, as bland as a pair of beige pants.

The schnitzel was thin and processed, there was plenty of ham and cheese but they were both equally as tasteless

The chips were overcooked and just as uninspired, barely a handful on the plate, totally forgettable, The one positive would be that due to the triangle of safety created by the angle of the parma, they remained crispy to the end.

The salad was the most impressive thing on the plate, but honestly that isn’t saying much, a standard garden salad in a bowl (always a good move) with some rocket leaves, tomato, cucumber, onion and tomato with a mustard dressing - It was pretty tasty, but when the salad is the best part of the plate its a sad state of affairs

It wasn’t a bad parma to be honest, but it was just nothingness, like chewing on cardboard … it just had no taste, and for $19.50 thats a bit expensive for nothingness.

They do a special ‘$16 for everything on the menu Monday & Tuesday’ which would help the value score, but to be honest I wouldn’t be seeking this parma out anytime soon - especially with the amazing parma at The Metropolitan a few metres away.

Parma - 4.17
Chips - 4.17
Salad - 5.50
Value - 4.17
Total - 4.43

The search continues…

Castle Hotel on Urbanspoon

Attempt #57 - 'George's Hamburgers, Fish & Chips'

  [info] When? - 30th of June, 2011

Where? - George’s Hamburgers, Fish & Chips. 325 Keilor Rd, Essendon

Price? – $9.90 Barry? - No Website? - None

Reviewers – Lee, Nikki[/info]

Followers of the Parma Daze Twitter may be a tad confused, as I had posted earlier in the week that we were hitting up a pub that offered a triple parma, Alas (this week at least) it was not meant to be, we had a few regulars who couldn’t make it so our regular parma review squad dropped to two.

For this reason I figured we would forego the triple parma attempt in Thomastown and focus on a parma that was recommended to me on the PD Facebook that I have been meaning to try for awhile - The take away ‘parma pack’ at Georges Hamburgers, Fish & Chips, in Essendon. The reason it worked the best with a small group is that there isn’t really anywhere to eat at the fish & chip shop, sure there were a couple of tables outside, but on a freezing cold Melbourne night eating outside isn’t really an option, and the logistics of getting a large review team to get a take-away parma and eat it elsewhere would be a bit of a headache, thus small review team = easy take away review!

Okay, that was a long intro about nothingness, I’ll get to the parma. The take away parma has always been an elusive beast - We’ve all had that drunken conversation while standing at a kebab window at 3am saying “I wish I could get a take away parma right now… that would be the best” then dearly regretted buying said kebab the following morning.

Like bigfoot himself, the good take away parma has always been a myth, hoping we would be able to put the search to rest, we arrived at Georges and I scanned the menu, I was a little worried that we had the wrong place to begin with as I couldn’t see parmigiana listed anywhere, it wasn’t till I got to the very end of the menu board that I spotted it - Chicken parma pack - $9.90

We placed our order and waited around for them to cook it up, Normally this is the part of the review where I would discuss the establishment itself, but at a fish and chip shop I really don’t have much to report!

Its a small room divided by a counter, fryers on one side, waiting customers on the other, The chairs were comfy and the copies of ‘Womans Day’ seemed pretty current, so I guess thats something. As I was appreciating the possible copyright infringing artwork on the wall, our order was up.

Remember the days when all fish & chip shops had arcade machines to kill time? they should totally bring that back, that was awesome. We picked up our styrofoam containers of food, hopped in the car and headed home, as much as I enjoy the ambiance of Keilor Road, The comfort of my own place seemed the best option, and I’ve gotta say I enjoyed being able to watch Family Guy while I ate a parma sitting on my couch. On to the parma…  

I’ve gotta say I had zero expectations when I went into this parma, which is why when I cracked open the container I was pleasantly surprised, I cut into the schnitzel and it seemed thick enough, there was plenty of cheese, a little light on the napoli but the obligatory slice of ham was nowhere to be found.

The parma itself was okay - The crumbs tasted a little bit on the processed side and the lack of ham/little napoli was a bit of a let down, But when the only other option we have for a take away parma is the McCain’s offering, this chicken is like manna from heaven.

Underneath the parma were the chips, If you’ve ever had fish & chip shop chips before you know what they taste like, plentiful in number and fresh from the fryer with each parma, other than needing a bit of salt they were great, I had trouble getting through them all.

The salad was indeed a star, even though it was a take away parma it was one of the better salads we have ever had on one side we had a greek salad with lettuce, onion, cucumber, olives and fetta with a light french dressing.

On the other side there was a healthy dollop of creamy coleslaw, a most welcome addition that complimented the meal perfectly If you live in the area and feel like you could smash a quick parma then this is definitely one for you, call in advance and pick it up on the way past if you have a craving only parma can satisfy - you won’t be disappointed.

The parma itself was a slight let down, coming off a little too processed for my liking, but they definitely make up for it with the chips and salad, Neither myself nor Reviewer Nikki finished our containers (probably due to the huge amount of chips supplied). For only $9.90 its hard to go wrong.

Parma - 5.0
Chips - 5.25
Salad - 7.75
Value - 8.00
Total - 6.20

The search continues…

Georges Hamburgers Fish And Chips on Urbanspoon

Special Attempt - 'The Underdog'

[info] When? - 16th of June, 2011

Where? - The Underdog 16a Clapham Common South Side, London

Price? – £9 Parma £10 Asahi Buckets (4 stubbies) £5 for 2 games bogan bingo on Thursday nights!

Barry? - No

Website? - http://www.theunderdogbar.co.uk/

Reviewers – Stefo, Fridge[/info]

As I mentioned in previous reviews, a few weeks ago we lost two of our reviewers to the foggy shores of London town. We allowed them to leave the country on the promise that they would become roving reporters, sending us back parma reviews from across the pond when they found them, And they haven’t disappointed - I’ll let Reviewer Stefo take over as he sends us his report from The Underdog, London.

We have now been in London for nearly two weeks and we were yet to find a Parma on any pub menu! Desperately hoping to find one our hopes faded until by chance we were invited to Bogan Bingo on Thursday night at the Underdog by Runchy, one of Reviewer Fridges mates. So we got on the tube (which later turned out to be the Parma tube) and headed to Clapham Common.

Once getting off the tube we headed to the underdog which is about a 50m walk from the tube station. As we arrived there was a sea of tables all with bookings on them so bookings are essential for this one. We found our table, helped ourselves to a bucket of Asahi from the bar andmade ourselves comfortable. At this point in time I will send out a warning

….The underdog does offer table service for drinks but it will cost about £2 extra!

Upon sitting down we raised the menu to our eyes and there was only one thing I could read…. CHICKEN PARMAGANIA!

…The waitress came around and started at the opposite end of the table to me however within seconds she was up to me as the whole table of Aussies ordered Parma’s! There was a fair wait for our food but it was eased by the amount of gorgeous women that kept coming into view! By the time our Parma’s arrived, our jaws were well and truly touching the table.

 

It looked amazing! And with a healthy serving of curly fries I couldn’t wait to sink my teeth in! I started on the curly fries which were crisp tasty and very satisfying. I think they were also beer battered, but either way they were really good! Only one downside to the curly fries is that their roundness makes them prone to falling off your plate.

 I cut into my parma to find that it was quite thin and that the thickness I thought existed was actually more curly fries under my parma.

However the parma definitely wasn’t over crumbed and only had a couple of spots of nude schnitzel, it was fresh chicken and cooked very well. It didn’t exactly fill the plate but was very satisfying. The salad as we have noticed with most salads in this country was quite small and very stock standard with some rocket leaves, spinach and a dijonase dressing. 

The highlight of the night was yet to come however…. For any Aussie trvaelling to the motherland you simply MUST go to Bogan Bingo. Imagine every Bogan saying you can think of, combine it with two Bogan hosts, 2 games of Bingo, amazing prizes and unlimited laughs and you’ve got it!

Conversion rate: £10 = $15.35                       £5 = $7.67 £9= $13.81                           £2 = $3.07

I was shocked to see London town offer up such a tasty looking parma! those curly fries looked damn amazing didn’t they? I’m a little jealous I didn’t get to try them myself. Take note, Aussie parma makers! Curly fries are where its at!

Massive thanks to Reviewers Stefo & Fridge for taking the time, I hope you have all enjoyed this culinary vacation, we will be back next week with a Melbourne based review, so stay tuned! Also be sure to keep an eye on the Twitter for up to the minute information. Until then…

The search continues…

Attempt #55 - 'The Waterside Hotel'

[info]

When? - 9nd of June, 2011

Where? - The Waterside Hotel, Corner of Flinders St. and King St. Melbourne

Price? - $18 with free Melbourne longneck

Barry? - No

Website? - http://www.watersidehotel.com.au/

Reviewers - Adam, Lee, Nikki, Pat[/info]

 

Before this review I had heard very conflicting reports about the Waterside Hotel’s parma, ranging from ‘god awful’ to ‘freaking amazing’, It has been on our list for a very long time but seemed to always get pushed down the queue (probably out of fear of it being as awful as some of the reports said). It was time, we could postpone no more and on Thursday night we headed down to the Waterside Hotel to see what they had on offer.

We arrived and took a seat in the bar area (there is a separate dining room if you are feeling a little bit fancy), an image on the TV screen and on the little menu cards on the table informed us that Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday nights at the Waterside offer up a parma special - $18 for a parma and a longneck of Melbourne Bitter. Now Melbourne isn’t my first choice for beer by any means, but when they are handing out free longnecks who am I to say no?!

We ordered our parmas and started our meal off with a bowl of wedges, which were fantastic, the garlic aoli was amazing and the wedges themselves were seasoned to perfection - if these wedges were in any way a precursor to the meal that was to come the Waterside was going to rate very well indeed.

Wedgealicious!

Before long our parma’s trotted out of the kitchen, when we ordered our meals we already had pints in hand, so the staff were nice enough to put our longnecks on ice until the food arrived, we cracked our beers and dug in

The chicken was smallish with a nasty rim of schnitzel nudity, It was thick enough, without an overdose of crumbs and actually carried a decent flavour, although it seemed small I had trouble getting through the whole thing (although the pre-parma wedges may have played a part in that) The napoli, ham and cheese were plentiful, everything was there and tasted pretty okay, although the whole thing had a bit of an air of processed chicken that I couldn’t get out of my head

The chips were great, not quite as good as the wedges mind you, but plentiful in supply, well cooked, seasoned, and not smooshed down by the parma

I am a big fan of salads in separate bowls, that way the dressing doesn’t leak to the chips and soggify them (add that one to the parma daze dictionary - soggify  v. ‘sog-ee-fi’ - To make soggy, moist). The salad was a standard garden salad but fresh, well dressed and tasty, a great accompaniment to the meal

I’m not quite sure how to sum up this review - The Waterside is a great pub, spacious with options for dining, drinking or lounging (with the deck upstairs for a summer night) it is a great place to stop in for a beer or seven - I’m actually headed there this Saturday night to do just that. The parma .. argh… the sides were top quality, the salad was great, and $18 with a longneck is awesome value, but I just feel as if they cheaped out on the parma itself a little. On a non- Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday night the parma runs at $19.50 without a longneck, I must admit I would be disappointed if I got what I did and paid that much. I think my final verdict would be this -

Definitely hit this parma on a Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday night to get the $18 parma n’ longneck deal, its well worth it, all other times I would give it a miss, it just comes off as a little too cheap for $19.50. Good sides though.

Parma - 6.00
Chips - 5.75
Salad - 6.25
Value - 7.50
Total - 6.30

The search continues…

Waterside Hotel on Urbanspoon

Attempt #53 - 'The Cock 'N' Bull British Pub'

[info]

When? - 22nd of May, 2011

Where? - The Cock ‘N’ Bull British Pub, 50 Wellington St. Launcestion, Tasmania

Price? - $19.50

Barry? - No

Website? - http://www.launcestonguinness.com.au/

Reviewers - Adam T, Kylie, Lee, M, Nikki, Shanan[/info]

Not last weekend, but the weekend before that I found myself in Tasmania - Launceston to be precise, I was whisked down south with some friends (and fellow reviewers) for 3 days of drinking at wineries, eating far too much unhealthy food and continuous ‘Nerf’ gun battles thanks to the great people at K-mart having a sale on Nerf equipment.

We were there for Friday, Saturday and Sunday, around noon on Saturday I was starting to develop an itch that only a delicious parma could scratch. I started checking the menu’s of the pubs that I passed to discover something very disturbing about Launceston … Chicken parma’s are rare as hens teeth. Lots of pubs had chicken schnitzels on the menu, but without the trademark napoli, ham and cheese that transforms a hum drum schnitzel into the ambrosia of the chickeny gods. A quick google search showed that pickings were indeed slim on Launceston’s parma front, but I had managed to secure info on a pub that had one on the menu - The Cock N Bull British Pub.

Luckily it was rather close to where we were staying, so on Sunday afternoon we loaded up our rental parma bus (an 8 seater Chrysler Voyager) and headed to the Cock N’ Bull.

The Cock N Bull is a cosy british themed pub, it reminded me greatly of Pugg Mahones on Lygon street, except with British paraphernalia on the walls as opposed to the Irish stuff found at Puggs.

Downstairs was pretty busy when we arrived so we ordered our parmas and headed upstairs, which was virtually deserted. The friendly staff found the footy on the TV for us, we ventured downstairs to slip a cheeky $20 into the pokies and before long our chicken landed in front of us.

If you look at the above photo I’m sure you can see this parma’s main problem already, the outside edge of nude schnitzel spent a little too much time under the grill and ended up burnt to a crisp, not the best way to start. However once you got past the burnt rim the rest of the parma was pretty good, decent chicken thickness with great crumb/chicken ratio (apologies for the lack of cross section, I was damn hungry and forgot to take it) The napoli was plentiful and the cheese golden brown, if it weren’t for the disappointing burnt/nude outer circle it would have been a great offering.

The chips, while hiding under the parma were plentiful however standard. The Cock n Bull did offer a variety of sauces (Tomato, BBQ, Sweet Chilli & HP) to spice them up a little so theres little to complain about, just standard chips

Much like the chips the salad was also a stock standard garden salad accompaniment, lettuce, onion, cucumber & tomato, obscured partially by the parma itself which caused some wilting by the time I dug through to it.

All in all the Cock N Bull put up a pretty decent parma that would have been better if not for the burnt edges, To be honest I was just happy to have my craving fulfilled and in the land that parma’s forgot I’ll take what I can get!

Parma - 5.5
Chips - 5.67
Salad - 6.33
Value - 6.83
Total - 5.97

The search continues…

While we are on the subject of out-of-state parmas I want to mention that a fellow parma enthusiast has been inspired by us at Parma Daze to start ParmaRama, taking up the search for Sydney’s best chicken parmigiana. I look forward to seeing what he discovers, be sure to check it out!

Attempt #51 - 'The Pub at Crown'

 

[info]

When? - 19th of May, 2011

Where? - The Pub @ Crown, Crown Entertainment Complex, Southbank

Price? - $19.90

Barry? - No

Website? - http://www.thepubatcrown.com.au/

Reviewers - Cale, Grace, Lee, Nikki, Stefo, Tony[/info]

 

** NOTE - This pub has closed! Parma no longer available - Review will stay up for posterity. Enjoy!

To be honest I really can’t say how The Pub came onto our radar, its one of those pubs that I would see quite often and think ‘I wonder how their parma is’.

Well seeing as the point of this little website is to answer that question for others that may be pondering the exact same thing, we loaded up the parma bus and headed into The Pub ad Crown.

The pub is trying very hard to feel like a pub (if the name of the place wasn’t a dead giveaway), but upon entering you cant help but get the feeling that something isn’t quite right, that its all a thinly veiled facade, kind of like the fake ‘street’ they have at Movie World or Disneyland, sure the shops are there but you know that there is really nothing behind that 1940’s ‘Private Eye’ window except some bad wiring or maybe a storage room. The pub is trying to be a ‘country pub’ but you can see the shadow of their Crown Casino overlords looming in every corner.

We ordered our meals at the bar and awaited our foods arrival, the free parking tickets we got with our meal was a nice touch and certainly helped the value score. I wouldn’t say we were waiting a long time for our parmas to arrive, but we at one point we did check our receipts to see just how long it had been since our orders were placed, never a good sign. After a bit of a wait, the meals arrived…

I had a bit of hope when the parmas fell in front of us, the chicken looked big, the chips looked plentiful and the salad vegetables looked … passable, but on my first attempted cut into the schnitzel my heart sank. I say attempted cut as the chicken was so tough that I actually had to re-grip my knife and put some strength into cutting through the chicken. Not off to a good start, thats for sure. The chicken itself was credit-card thin, definitely hitting the ratio of more crumbs than chicken. There was plenty of cheese atop the parma but it was tasteless and rubbery, some reviewers resorted to picking it off towards the end of the meal rather than end up constipated for a month. It was skimpy on the napoli and the ham was present, but tasteless and barely covering a third of the chicken.

Here is this weeks cross-section to demonstrate how anorexic this chicken was

I have used the term ‘McDonalds chips’ to describe chips before, but none have fit the bill like The Pub’s chips, I don’t really need to describe them other than to say this, Go to Maccas and pick up a large fries, but don’t eat them straight away - let them sit in the bag for 5 - 10 minutes on the drive home, tip them out on a plate then eat, let me know what you think.

The Salad, wasn’t salad, it was vegetables, The Pubs parma comes with an offering of veggies in place of a salad, now this isn’t necessary a bad thing, I am open minded when it comes to my sides and I will treat all greens equally, however if they were going to serve veggies they should at least serve good veggies. They came out cold, undercooked and undersized, as if they came straight from a bag out of the freezer.

I always try hard to find something good say about a parma when we go on review, but this week I am really struggling to think of anything. The parma was bad, the chips were bad and the salad was bad. They do a discount parma night on Mondays and even offer a ‘deluxe parma’ then, but I really can’t see it being slightly cheaper effect the score too greatly, its too far gone. This is a parma at its cheapest and nastiest, and I think this would be one of the first times I have actually advised against partaking in at least some respect. If you find yourself thinking that a Pub @ Crown parma is for you, please take my advise and follow these handy steps

  1. Leave Crown
  2. Get in your car/a cab (depending on how much you’ve had to drink)
  3. Drive 4 minutes (1.7km) down the road to The Palmerston Hotel
  4. Have a decent parma that wont make you want to kill yourself

I have even drawn up a handy wallet-sized emergency information card, for your own protection (and the protection of your loved ones) please print and keep on your person at all times.

Click here to download full sized version

Parma - 3.75
Chips - 2.92
Salad - 1.33
Value - 5.33
Total - 3.42

The search continues…

The Pub at Crown on Urbanspoon

Attempt #50 - 'The John Curtin Hotel'

 

[info]

When? - 12th of May, 2011

Where? - The John Curtin Hotel. 29 Lygon St, Carlton

Price? - $12 Parma n’ Pot Thursdays, $12 all other times (no pot)

Barry? - No

Website? - http://www.johncurtinhotel.com/

Reviewers - Cale, Lee, Nikki, Pat, Stefo[/info]

Last month sometime I got an email from our friends over at thehappiesthour.com, alerting us to a decent sounding parma deal at the John Curtin hotel in Lygon st. $10 thursdays with a free pot (although since I recieved the email there has been a price jump to $12 parma n’ pot night, bloody recession). Seemed as good a pub as any to do our fiftieth review, so we loaded up the parma bus and headed to the Curtin.

Thats right, FIFTY reviews! Holy shit thats awesome.

We arrived at the Curtin and snagged a booth in the public bar for a couple of beers before heading into the dining area to eat, They employ a digital buzzer system at the Curtin wherin after you order your food you are given a high-tech coaster which flashes and vibrates when your meal is ready, indicating its time to go to the kitchen window and collect your tasty dish. We got comfy at our oddly shaped table and ordered our meals (with accompanying pots) The staff were very friendly and talkative, happy to have a chat. One thing worth noting is how freaking dark this pub is, I had to employ the flash for the parma photo below, which is a big no no in the food photography world as it pretty much makes all meals look shithouse. Anyway, after a short wait our buzzer buzzed and we headed to the counter and picked up our meals.

Bad news first - There was a fair bit of nude schnitzel and the cheese could’ve been melted a little more, and it was a little light on the napoli. Good news - it was a quality piece of chicken breast, well cooked with a great chicken/crumb ratio, and they weren’t too stingy on the ham.

The chips suffered the fate of being squashed entirely under the parma, now we can normally forgive half of the chips being squished but the whole lot is just criminal, apart from that they were well seasoned and pretty tasty.

If you like onion (like I do) then this is the salad for you, we had to stop at a 7-11 on the way out to pick up some gum as everyone had rancid onion breath, a fairly sparse garden salad of lettuce, onion, cucumber & tomato, it had a tasty mustard-seed dressing that brought it back from the brink, although some reviewers weren’t fans as the onion content was very high, gotta be a fan of onion to enjoy that.

Overall the John Curtin offers up an okay parma at good value, I think reviewer Stefo said it best last night when he said “I wouldn’t seek it out, but I wouldn’t complain if I had to have it again” (actually it might have been Cale … or Pat, I can’t remember I’d had a few beers)

on to the scores!

Parma - 6.3
Chips - 4
Salad - 4.4
Value - 8.2
Total - 5.84

The search continues…

John Curtin Hotel on Urbanspoon

Theres one more thing I’d like to add, Reviewer Pat has been playing a little game of late, in which whenever I happen to leave my little scoring notebook unattended, he steals it and secretly draws a penis somewhere amongst its pages (mature, I know). These artistic masterpieces are too important to the art world to hide from society, so without further ado, I give you…

Pat’s gallery of wangs

This cool fellow is enjoying a trip to the snow!

It’s a bird! It’s a plane! Its Super-Shlong!

Apparently thats supposed to be me licking that rather large, veiny monstrosity, I can assure you that this drawing is entirely fictional.

Well I hope everyone enjoyed that, I will be sure to update you should more penises arise (*badum ching*)