#312 - 'Two Johns Taphouse'

Where? - Terminal 4, Melbourne Airport. 

Price? - $20

Website? http://www.twojohnstaphouse.com.au/

Reviewers – Lee & Nikki

A few months ago I was at Melbourne Airport on the way to Sydney (The trip where we tried The Grand Hotel). While waiting for our flight at 8:30am, fuelling up on a sausage McMuffin and some hash browns, I noticed a pub across the food court that looked rather cool. We had already reviewed the airport's P.J. O'Brien's back in 2011, and the notion of a pre-flight parma has always piqued my interest. 

I checked the menu, confirmed they had a parma available, locked it away in my little mental "Parmas to do list" and whisked away to a lovely few days in Sydney, intending to try Two Johns Taphouse the next time I was passing through Terminal 4. 

Well, it's three months later, I don't have any travel plans until later in the year (PD goes to PD #3 coming in October), but damnit ... I've gotta know if it's any good! Screw it. Without any intent to board a plane, last night we visited Melbourne Airport's Two Johns Taphouse. 

The first difference between our trip to P.J's and Two Johns is that P.J's didn't require a trip through the airport security scanners to visit - But as the food court at T4 is located past the ticketing and security and stuff, we had to strip down and take a trip through the metal detectors before we could get to our parmas. Once on the other side we managed to grab a seat amongst the many hungry travellers (I don't know if a flight was delayed or what, but it was bloody packed), and checked the menu.

We didn't have to check far, as the "mighty" chicken parma at Two Johns has top billing on the new menu -

We ordered at the bar and took in the view out the large glass windows of planes taking off and landing - This would actually be a relaxing spot to sit, unwind and take in the view, if parking didn't cost a ridiculous amount per minute of relaxation. 

Two Johns website mentions a beer garden, which struck me as odd, being in the middle of the airport food court. I had a look for what they meant by "beer garden" and found it ... in the gap between the "pub" area of the food court and the seating area for Brunetti's next door is an area with tables amongst a few fake trees and plastic shrubs. Not a beer "garden" in the strictest sense, but it'd have to do.

The beer list at Two Johns is pretty tame, despite touting themselves as a "Taphouse". Carlton Draught, Fat Yak, Furphy ... I think I saw a McCracken ... If this were a "taphouse" out in the real world I'd be much less forgiving, but I'll give them a pass, considering they are a pub in a food court in an airport waiting lounge.

After a short enough wait, our parmas arrived from the kitchen...

It looked impressive on the large plate. A healthy serve of sides served to the side and not sandwiched underneath, with a parma that still looked rather sizeable.

We hurriedly picked up our cutlery and tucked in. Unfortunately, this is when things went downhill. 

Getting the worst out of the way up front - the Schnitzel used in the Two Johns parma was pretty horrible. First up - it was lukewarm, bordering on cold. The toppings were hot, but the schnitzel itself barely had any heat in it, almost as if it were pre-cooked (not that I'm accusing them of that as I don't know for sure ... But I have my suspicions). 

As well as the lack of heat the chicken was dry and flavourless. The crumbs, while crunchy on the surface, were horribly thick, and the bottom layer flaked away and remained on the plate every time I cut off a fork-full. 

When your crumbs are almost as thick as your chicken (remember, this photo doesn't include the bottom layer of crumbs), its a bad start to a parma. 

The toppings did their best to save this dish. The cheese and napoli were plentiful (although the napoli tasted like it came straight from a tin). The ham, while not "torn" as the menu touts, was thickly cut and flavoursome. 

However as much good as the toppings tried to do, they struggled to make up for the foundation on which they were built. 

When the plate fell in front of me my first thought was that the chips looked like they were in desperate need of a minute or so more in the fryer, showing a colour more golden-white than golden-brown. 

Imagine my surprise when they turned out to be the best thing on the plate. Generously seasoned, hot, fresh and plenty of them. 

Back in 2015, at our review of the excellent parma at Abbotsford's Aviary Hotel, Reviewer Stefo coined the term "Sal-Slaw" to describe a salad that was a hybrid of a garden salad and a coleslaw. The salad on the parma at Two Johns definitely falls into the Sal-Slaw category. 

Which isn't a bad thing - the sal-slaw was crisp and fresh and generously dressed (much like the chips were liberally seasoned). It was a huge serving that, after my parma and chips, I struggled to get through. A fine side to the dish. 

“Good chips, good salad, decent toppings - All negated by a horrible schnitzel. Won’t be back. ”

— Nikki

I try to define the value score in these reviews with the rule of thumb "Would I be happy to pay the price I paid for this parma to eat this parma again", and by that rule, my answer would be a resounding No. $20 is a fine price for this parma, but the schnitzel that we received was one step away from being inedible, and as the most important part of any parma dish, I wasn't at all happy paying the $20 I paid for the parma that I received.

For a pub in a food court in an airport Two Johns is pretty good. I'd recommend it as a great spot to stop into for a pre-flight pint and maybe a bowl of wedges - But unless there are some major changes I wouldn't touch the parma again. Every element of the dish was good bordering on great, with the exception of the schnitzel which, unfortunately for Two Johns, is the element of the parma you have to nail if you want customers to make a return flight. 

Parma - 2.75

Chips - 7.00

Salad - 6.00

Value -  2.50

Total - 4.20

The search continues...

#311 - 'The Golden Fleece Hotel'

Where? - 120 Montague St. South Melbourne

Price? - $24

Website? https://www.goldenfleecehotel.net.au/

Reviewers – Lee, Nikki & Stefo

Of the 311 parmas we're reviewed for ParmaDaze I'd say at least 100 of them have involved a trip down Montague Street to get to - And on each one of those I've looked at the Golden Fleece and thought to myself "I wonder if they do a parma". 

After surviving a trip under the Montague St bridge unscathed a few weeks back the parma bus was stopped at a traffic light and I glanced over at the Fleece - It looked different. Gone was the lime green perspex signage that used to plague the exterior, and the inside looked as if it had undergone a bit of a revamp as well. I checked the pub's menu on my phone while we waited, confirmed a parma was indeed on the menu and made a mental note to check it out in the future. 

A few weeks later (last night) we arrived, and the Golden Fleece was looking great.

This pub has a great vibe. From the open spaces of the sports bar up the front to the intimate candlelit bistro at the back - This was a pub I could happily settle into for a long session.

We grabbed a table in the front bar. It was easy pickings as, surprisingly, we were one of the only groups in there at 7pm on a Thursday night. 

On checking the menu we realised that we had a couple of options for toppings...

Damn that Mexican sounds good. The addition of chilli beef is rare in the mexi-parma game... But parma purists that we are, we all opted for the traditional parma this time around. 

While waiting for our meals to arrive I wandered upstairs to check what else the Golden Fleece had to offer, Imagine my surprise when, just above our heads, was one of the best pinball machine rooms I've seen in recent memory...

Not visible in frame was Star Wars, Game of Thrones and AC/DC, along with 3 or 4 vintage arcade games (Raiden II, Police Trainer and a couple of others I can't remember)

What a find! Complete with a change machine and everything - This is definitely a spot to remember for any pinball fan. 

The tap list at the Fleece was pretty decent. 4 Pines and Mountain Goat catching my eye at the bargain Thursday night price of $5 a schooner. The fridge behind the bar was stocked with the full range of Colonial Brewery cans - Also a fantastic choice. 

About 20 minutes after ordering our parmas arrived at the table -

First of all, We ordered the side of gravy separately for an extra $2. I've got more to say on the topic of the gravy, but I'll save that for later. 

The schnitzel was top notch. Pure, thick, juicy chicken breast with crumbs that carried a fantastic crunch. As far as schnitzels are concerned this one was hard to fault - And it's clear now as to why they offer a plain nude schnitzel as one of the parma options. They've got a right to be proud of this bad boy. 

The toppings were ... Okay. The napoli was fresh, chunky and seemed home made. The ham was plentiful and thickly sliced and there was a solid coverage of well grilled cheese... However all three elements just missed the mark in terms of flavour. 

They were fine, don't get me wrong, however they needed something to bring them home. I'm not sure what ... Maybe a stronger smoked ham? This is one of those rare cases where the quality of the schnitzel overpowered that of the toppings. 

Still, a very enjoyable meal. 

The chips were well cooked and in plentiful supply. After a quick rescue from beneath the parma they were quite enjoyable. We all opted an extra $2 for some gravy as a chip dip, but that didn't go too well...

Okay, so I'll preface this next paragraph by saying that, as the gravy was an optional extra, our opinion of it in no way factored into our scoring for the parma itself. But it wasn't good. At all. We couldn't quite put our fingers on what they were going for in terms of gravy, but it had an odd, very powerful spice through it - I want to say it was curry powder, or maybe cinnamon ... maybe both. But it wasn't a pleasant chip dip and most of our gravy pots ended up going unused.

The salad was fine. Nothing offensive, plenty of tomato and cucumber throughout. Dressing was a little watery but the seperate bowl was greatly appreciated.

“Loved the schnitzel, the toppings were fresh but just missed the mark in terms of flavour. Not a fan of the gravy. ”

— Nikki

“Hot tip - Don’t order the gravy as a side! It won’t help improve anything!”

— Stefo

I'd happily pay another $24 for this parma for the quality of the schnitzel alone. The Golden Fleece runs a few special nights including a $15 parma night on Monday (Including the nude and the Mexi-parma) as well as some solid happy hours and other food specials - be sure to check their website for more info.

The Golden Fleece is a great little pub that was criminally quiet for a Thursday night (Granted it was about minus ten degrees outside, so that may have contributed to the hibernating patrons). The parma had a fantastic foundation that just fell short of the mark - I instantly regretted not getting the Mexican parma instead as I think the addition of those extra toppings would really make this bird a home run. 

Worth a crack, But I'd say go for the Mexican over the traditional. 

Parma - 7.33

Chips - 6.33

Salad - 5.83

Value - 6.67

Total - 6.70

The search continues...

Crossing the Road #3 - 'The Pizza Bar'

Where? - 150 Mascoma St. Strathmore

Price? - $19 + Delivery fee

Website? Facebook Page

Reviewers – Lee & Nikki

Delivery areas - Uber Eats doesn't have this info, lets just say "Strathmore and surrounding suburbs"

In case you missed the first issue of Crossing the Road back at the start of March, and the second one in June, This is a review category dedicated to delivery parmas, the ones we would never get to if we stuck to pubs alone ... Let's be honest, delivery parmas are usually pretty terrible, but lets call this an effort to find that diamond in the rough. 

The first two Crossing The Road's were ordered via Menulog, and even though I could stare at Jeff Goldblum's loveable face for hours at a time, for the sake of switching things up I decided that this week we would give Uber Eats a crack.

Cards on the table, I have used Uber Eats a few times for non-parma related deliveries and I've yet to be blown away by the service. In my experience it's expensive, takes forever and the food often arrives cold. 

Scrolling through the available options The Pizza Bar in Strathmore caught my eye. It had a decent range of pizzas, pastas and even a couple of burgers available. Then I saw the category I was after - A category devoted entirely to a single menu item -

I think this is the first time in our many years of reviewing that we've come across a parma with a Christian name. In honour of this I'll be referring to this parma as Italiano for the remainder of this review. 

Italiano looked good, if the photo supplied was anything to go by this would be a tasty dish. With an expected delivery time of 45 minutes I kicked back and waited for our food to arrive. 

One of the best features of Uber Eats is, once your food is on its way, you can follow it's progress from the store to your house in real time...

Nice to see that Italiano took a detour past the Kerrigan's house from The Castle before coming over. 

Can't really put this on the Pizza Bar, but Italiano took forever to arrive. Taking a massive detour what should have been a ten minute trip was blown out to 25 minutes at least. 

But he finally turned up, and it was time to meet Italiano in all his glory -

As discovered last time, these things never photograph well in their take away containers. Let me plate this bad boy up so we can really see what we're dealing with...

Much better! It look a bit of effort to extract the chips that had been fused to the top of the parma in transit, but I did the best I could.

Time to tuck in!

As expected, Italiano was bordering on the cold side when he arrived. Not horribly so, but I would have loved to try him fresh as the flavours in this parma were actually pretty solid. The schnitzel was real chicken breast - not the biggest we've come across and a little overcooked, but mostly a quality foundation. 

A surprise addition to the mix was a healthy heaping of ham (possibly prosciutto) not mentioned on the menu - really added a salty punch. Cheese was fine, as was the napoli - All bursting with flavour ... I just wish it had've been a bit hotter.

The chips were overdone and a little oily, but not inedible. Its amazing to see the sheer amount of chips that they throw at you with delivery parmas that you never see at a pub. Points for quantity, thats for sure. 

The salad was fresh and crisp, however underneath the grated carrot, cucumber and single cherry tomato on top there wasn't much going on underneath other than lettuce, lettuce and more lettuce.

For $19 I'm pretty happy with the price. It was pretty tasty and with the added convenience of home delivery I'm calling it a win. 

I'd happily invite Italiano over again, although next time around I'd opt for pickup and cut Uber Eats out of the equation - I don't know if its their mapping system or that the food has to sit and wait for a driver to come and collect, but I have consistently received lukewarm food when using the service. 

Of the 3 delivery reviews we've done so far I'd probably rate this second. Better than Tram Stop but not quite as good as The Gates. Worth a crack if you live in Strathmore, although I wouldn't travel far for it.

The search continues...

#310 - ‘The Fifth Province: Redux’

 Where? - 3/60 Fitzroy Street. St. Kilda

Price? - $22.90

Website? http://www.thefifthprovince.com.au/

Reviewers – Lee & Nikki

When we first visited the Fifth Province back in 2015 I walked out in two minds. I loved the pub. I loved the staff and the parma was pretty good. At the time I described it as "unique" as it had a lot of flavours through it you don't commonly find on a traditional parma. I enjoyed it, but it was a divisive one that a few of the review team did not enjoy, and their score suffered because of it. 

So when I heard that the parma at the Prov had undergone a bit of an overhaul it was high on my list for a redo. Last night we headed back to see just what had changed at the Fifth Province. 

The pub itself is exactly as it was, and that's a fantastic thing. 

I said it in the first review, but a traditional Irish Pub is not something you'd expect to find in the middle of St. Kilda, yet the Prov goes to show that there's always room for a quality Irish watering hole no matter where it's located. 

We grabbed a table and checked the menu. At first I thought I had been misinformed and the parma had been dumped from the menu, then I spotted it, hiding in the "Comfort Food" section - 

A dollar cheaper than it's 2015 counterpart! This redo is already kicking goals. 

The Fifth Province has an impressive tap list - Ranging from the stalwarts you'd find in any Irish pub (Guinness, Carlsberg, Kilkenny etc.) to a great selection for the craft beer lover (3 ravens, Stomping Ground, Kaiju, Feral ... The list goes on). Basically if its beer you're after you'll find something you'll enjoy at the Fifth Province. 

About 15 minutes after ordering our parmas arrived. As is tradition with Redo's lets see a comparison between the 2015 parma and the 2017 attempt...

The Fifth Province Parma - 2015 edition

The Fifth Province Parma - 2017 edition

On aesthetics alone it was already a marked improvement. The schnitzel was bigger, served piping hot and cooked to perfection. I sampled an un-topped sliver of schnitzel and it held up on its own. A fantastic foundation to the dish. 

The cheese blend was flavoursome and grilled to perfection. What was a bit of a cheese overload last time has been throttled back, definitely for the better. What were huge chunks of Irish bacon have also been toned down into smaller ham chunks, another improvement without doubt. 

Gone is the off-putting sweetness that turned us off the napoli in 2015, however the replacement isn't perfect - A little too similar to pure tomato paste for my liking, but a minor complaint to an otherwise outstanding dish. 

The chips have jumped from a mini fry basket to a mini metal bucket. Fresh, crisp and flavoursome. They could've used a little seasoning but thats just nitpicking at this point - A great addition to the meal.

In 2015 I called the salad an "afterthought", This is by no means the case anymore. Massive crisp garden salad absolutely bursting with ingredients (I think I had a full tomato in mine). Drizzled with a well balanced balsamic - A fantastic side all around.

“Other than a tomato-pastey napoli this was an all round great parma - Much preferred the smaller bacon bits to the larger chunks last time!”

— Nikki

I'd happily pay another $22.90 for this parma, no hesitation whatsoever. As a bonus on Wednesdays this dish goes for a mere $15 (not to mention Parma Knights get this $15 deal 7 days a week! What an amazing deal.)

Before writing this review I read over our 2015 visit, compiled a list of our major complaints, and determined if they had been addressed or not. Lets see how they did. 

• Overly sweet napoli - Fixed
• Overcooked schnitzel - Fixed
• Thick crumbs on schnitzel - Fixed
• Cheese overload - Fixed
• Unusual Irish bacon chunks - Fixed
• Lackluster salad - Fixed
• A bit pricey for the end result - Fixed

That is the biggest comeback I've seen since Robert Downey Jr. got cast as Iron Man.  If you're in the area the new and improved Fifth Province parma is definitely worth a try. 

Parma - 8.38

Chips - 7.60

Salad -  7.20

Value -  8.00

Total - 7.91

The search continues... 

#309 - ‘Parkview Hotel’

 Where? - 131/137 Scotchmer St. Fitzroy North

Price? - $10

Website? http://www.parkviewfitzroy.com.au/

Reviewers – Lee & Nikki

A few weeks ago, on the ParmaDaze Facebook Page, I put out a call for suggestions. My "ideas" board was getting a little thin and needed an injection of new blood - Boy did it receive it. A torrent of suggestions came in, enough to keep ParmaDaze running for a few more years at least - And one venue that came up more than once was the Parkview Hotel. 

We've been past the Parkview many times (in fact when we pulled into the Carpark I noticed that the Fitzroy Pinnacle was literally across the street). But never thought to go in, and if it wasn't for the readers suggestion it probably would have gone by the wayside - But the people wanted the Parkview, so the Parkview they shall have. 

Oh, on the way to Fitzroy last night I noticed just how close the Parkview is to last week's attempt at A Fan's Notes in Cartlon. My apologies, we normally try and not do two consecutive parmas so close together - We'll be on the other side of town next week, pinky swear. 

We entered the pinnacle, and the first thing that struck us was the advertising for their parma special...

This was gonna be a cheap feed!

On entry to the pub there is an area with a pool table, dart board and trivia machine. Past that is a quasi indoor/outdoor seating area that was surprisingly packed and well warmed with heaters - Unfortunately we couldn't snag a table in there so we pushed on to the main area, which has much more of a Sports Bar vibe than a dining area.

We ordered our parmas for ten bucks a pop, even though the old menu still says $18,  and grabbed a pint of the Parkview's own $5 pints ($15 for a pint and a pot? Kicking goals so far!)

After a short ten minute wait, our parmas arrived from the kitchen. 

Hmmm. For $10 I wasn't expecting the highest quality meal, but I've gotta call them like I see them... The schnitzel wasn't great. 

Credit card thin and overly thick crumbs - This was your quintessential "processed" supermarket deli window schnitzel. At the very least it was served piping hot, but the schnitzel alone was not a pleasant experience.

The toppings did their best to resurrect this parma - Ham is usually the first topping to go when we get into the "discount parma" category, so I was pleasantly surprised to find its inclusion on the Parkview's offering. The napoli was canned but palatable and the cheese carried its flavour well.

The chips and salad were both pretty good. The chips were beer battered and well cooked and the salad was fresh and crisp with a flavoursome dressing. However they both suffered from the same drawback - There just wasn't enough. I could almost count the amount of chips I had on two hands and the salad, while tasty, was gone in moments. Double the amount served on both and we'd have some quality sides on our hands.

“For the price it wasn’t terrible, Had I paid any more I would be a lot less impressed.”

— Nikki

The Parkview's parma isn't great if you try and rate it against a normal, full priced parma - However if you're after a dirt cheap feed then it's not terrible. "For the price" is a good qualifier for the Parkview. Is it good? Yes, for the price. Were the cheap pints okay? Sure! for the price.

If you want a decent meal and a beer for the kind of cash you could fish out from between your couch cushions then this is definitely one to try, but I wouldn't go expecting too much. It's not a bad parma, for the price. 

Parma - 3.80

Chips - 6.25

Salad -  5.75

Value -  8.25

Total - 5.57

The search continues... 

#308 - 'A Fan's Notes'

Where? - 787 Nicholston St. Carlton North

Price? - $22

Website? Facebook Page

Reviewers – Lee & Stefo

It's not often a pub goes from completely off my radar to it's all I'm hearing about, yet that is what Carlton North Hole-in-the-wall "A Fan's Notes" managed to accomplish.

A month ago if you had've asked me if we had reviewed the parma at A Fan's Notes I probably would have responded with "Huh? What is that? Is that a place?", Yet in the past two weeks I have been on the receiving end of a barrage of recommendations - All for A Fan's Notes.

So what is A Fan's Notes? Nestled in a cosy spot in Cartlon North lies a little cafe/bar/record shop. There aren't many seats in the front so if you're keen to try I'd advise making a booking. It's dimly lit (mostly by candlelight) with smooth tunes echoing through and a laid back, chilled vibe. 

Credit to Where's The Beef? for the photo!

We arrived on Thursday night (without a booking) and after nursing a $7 pint of Coopers (happy hour from 4-7pm) at the bar for a little while was lucky enough to snag a table. 

Was itching for a parma, so we checked the menu...

... Spied our target and placed the order - It's worth noting for the vegetarians that they have both vego and vegan options available. 

A lone tap behind the bar was pouring Coopers at $7 a pint, so I didn't look far beyond that. I did spy an empty can of Pirate Life on one of the other tables, so if that is anything to go on A Fan's Notes has decent craft beer chops. 

About 15 minutes after ordering our meals arrived.

You'll have to excuse the quality of the below photos ... Taking food photos by candlelight isn't ideal, so had to really crank up the exposure in post. 

First things first - The schnitzel that A Fan's Notes uses in their parma isn't the best. It was a little thin, fairly heavy on the crumbs and a rather dry.

A shame, as from here on out I'm going to have almost universally positive things to say about this parma - However a higher quality foundation could have easily launched this parma to the top of our list. 

The toppings were sensational. The napoli was bursting with a zesty, citrus flavour while the cheese blend was flavoursome, applied liberally and grilled to gooey perfection.

Normally a parma without ham would get a recommendation that a slice of ham would be appreciated - However with the parma at A Fan's Notes I don't think its even necessary - the toppings are flavoursome enough without it, and unless you used some sort of quintuple smoked ham I think it would be lost amongst the other elements of the dish.

The chips were shoestring, McDonalds style fries, which I normally don't like - But you'll see why these were fitting in a moment. They were cooked well, a decent serving and for Maccas fries they were decent enough.

The reason I thought the shoestring fries were an appropriate side was due to the dill coleslaw accompanying the meal. A huge mound of 'slaw greeted me after moving aside the parma, and as soon as I tasted it a very familiar flavour hit me ... The "dill mayo" this coleslaw was swimming in tasted exactly like McDonalds Big Mac sauce. You could slap the parma in a bun with a spoon full of this coleslaw and get away with calling it a Chicken Big Mac it was so spot on. It was a tasty salad, but quite rich. I could only get through half of it before needing to stop.

“A lot of flavour in this parma. Well presented, and despite the chips-under-parma dilemma there was no sogginess at all! The sal-slaw was delicious but overpowering towards the end of the meal. Crumbs were crunchy with a herby flavour that I couldn’t pick, but was delicious none the less. I feel like I need another to fully take in the flavours once again.”

— Stefo

$22 for this parma is acceptable, I enjoyed it enough that I'd happily pay that price again (and $7 pints definitely sweetened the deal). I have heard rumours of a $10 parma night at A Fan's Notes, which would be an amazing deal - Although I'm not sure what night of the week that runs. If you can find out when its on I highly recommend checking it out yourself

**UPDATE** According to our mates at The Happiest Hour, A Fan's Notes $10 parma special runs on both Wednesday and Saturdays, for both the chicken and vego/vegan options. 

Last night was a unique parma in a unique restaurant. A surprisingly cool little find and a spot to which I'd be happy to return. The parma was good, with the potential to be great should they upgrade their schnitzel quality. Even so, worth a crack. 

Parma - 6.80

Chips - 6.50

Salad - 7.00

Value - 7.50

Total - 6.92

The search continues...

#307 - 'Lazy Moes'

Where? - 161 Mickleham Rd. Tullamarine

Price? - $21.90

Website? https://www.lazymoes.com.au/

Reviewers – Lee & Nikki

I'm struggling on how to start this review. You guys know about Lazy Moe's, right? It's the restaurant chain that nobody seems to particularly like, yet everyone seems to end up going to at some point in their lives - Mostly because its open plan spaces, big menu and family friendly vibe make it a great, inoffensive choice for family gatherings.

Everyone seems to have a Lazy Moe's story ... And very few of them are positive. The Zomato page for Moe's is a list of horror stories that reads like an episode guide for Kitchen Nightmares. Yet day after day they are constantly busy. We have been suggested their parma a few times, mostly with the caveat of "It's not great, but its huge" but have avoided it for years, purely based on the reputation of the restaurant.

Well avoid no longer as last week we found ourselves at a function at Lazy Moe's, and, as most of the people around the table decided on a parma, an impromptu review was born.

The Tullamarine Lazy Moe's has the unmistakable structure of an ex-Pizza Hut location. In fact my childhood was filled with trips to the Tullamarine Pizza Hut, cringing in a corner booth while Mum tried to argue that even though I look Thirteen I am, in fact, under 8 and therefore should only pay kids menu prices. 

Gone are the all-you-can-eat pizza stations and dessert bar and in its place is an open plan, spacious restaurant with an outdoor seating area circling the building should you feel so inclined.

We arrived and took our seats and checked the menu, where we were greeted with our first taste of Lazy Moe's schtick...

This spiel is printed on every menu, duplicated on the walls and there are more little "tips" littered throughout all the other menus. 

I can see what they're going for. A bit of a fun, wacky "we're having a good time" ribbing at the customers expense, but in my opinion it fails at every attempt and just comes off as rude, belligerent and borderline racist.

There is a bubble in the pancake menu that states "If you're offended by the menu try and see the lighter side of things, we're just having a bit of fun, what would life be without a but of humour" - and that would be fine if there was any semblance of humour in what was plastered throughout the menu and not just thinly veiled threats and excuses for poor service. It's like a schoolyard bully who yells "It was just a prank bro!" when called out on being an asshole. 

Okay. Moving past the attitude, on to the menu itself. It's freaking huge. Main meals alone is an A3 sheet with more than one hundred options, ranging from breakfast to burgers to risotto to noodles to Indian to pasta and more. And thats not even mentioning the entire menu dedicated to different varieties of pancakes. 

After a bit of searching we found the parma -

and placed our orders. 

I was honestly surprised to find some decent beers on the beer list. I would have put money that Moe's would offer the very basics in terms of a beer list, so when I saw cans of Mountain Goat Summer Ale available I jumped on them without hesitation. 

About 25 minutes after ordering (there were a few of us) our meals started arriving from the kitchen.

As expected, the schnitzel was huge. A behemoth bird that engulfed most of the massive plate on which it sat. We picked up out cutlery, tucked in, and I was honestly surprised to find real chicken breast underneath. From the horror stories I had heard I was honestly expecting a giant chicken nugget, but it was definitely pure chicken breast.

That doesn't mean it was great pure chicken breast, it was a little dry, slightly grey at points and there was a little bit of gristle throughout that was a bit of a turn-off, but overall it was edible. It could have been served hotter, but there were a lot of us so it's understandable if it spent a little time under the heat lamps. 

The toppings were okay, but lacked any real punch. We've got a term for the Lazy Moe's parma that I haven't used in a while - Big Parma Syndrome. The cheese was plentiful and well cooked, the napoli was also applied liberally - But they were both quite bland, flavourless, and although the parma was massive, it got boring very quickly. A slice of smoked ham would have really helped the Lazy Moe's parma along. 

The chips were well cooked, but like the parma they were bland and unseasoned. A decent serve for sure, but nothing impressive. A side of gravy would serve them well.

The seperate bowl for the salad is always appreciated. The salad was piled high with fresh, crisp ingredients, however it was completely devoid of any salad dressing making it a bit of a slog to get through - Although that could be attributed to personal preference as I'm not a big fan of alfalfa sprouts, of which this salad contained a lot. 

For $21.90 you're not walking out of Lazy Moe's hungry, thats for sure. If you're after a massive meal for a reasonable price and flavour isn't a high priority then a visit to Moe's wouldn't be the worst choice you could make - Although I won't be rushing back any time soon.

Now I know the menu specifically states that my opinion is not wanted, but I'm giving it anyway. The parma at Lazy Moe's was fine ... Nothing amazing, but definitely not as bad as I was expecting going in. To be honest the worst taste left in my mouth from the entire meal was the obnoxious notes on the menu (The service on the day was actually fine) - As funny as Lazy Moe's thinks they are they need to ditch them. 

Note - This review is for the Tullamarine Lazy Moe's location and does not speak for the other Lazy Moe's locations around the state. They might be better, they might be worse... If you try one be sure to let me know your thoughts!

Parma - 4.30

Chips - 4.40

Salad - 5.50

Value - 6.60

Total - 5.02

The search continues...

#306 - 'The Emerald Hotel'

Where? - 415 Clarendon St. South Melbourne

Price? - $25 (in Bistro, $15 in bar)

Website? http://www.theemeraldhotel.com.au/

Reviewers – Erin, Fridge, Lee & Nikki

Normally I start a new parma review with a spiel about how we found out about the pub in question, who recommended it to us or just generally how it came to be on our radar. 

I have no such story about the Emerald as we didn't actually plan on visiting last night! 

Our plan for this week was to visit the new digs of ex-Palmerston Hotel owners The Rising Sun Hotel - Unbeknownst to us the Sun hosts a rocking Jazz night on Thursday night that renders the pub completely booked out. So I whipped my phone out of my pocket, found the closest pub to the Rising Sun that served a parma, and that is where we set our sights... Clarendon Street's Emerald Hotel.

As I didn't have time to do my usual pre-parma research I had no idea what to expect when walking in the doors of the Emerald, and after leaving I'm still a little shocked at the dichotomy of the place.

The front bar of the Emerald feels like a backstreets local. High chairs, long bar propped up with locals, a multitude of TV's running every sport playing at a TAB station in the corner. 

We had a table booked in the bistro, so after polishing of a pre-dinner pint in the front bar we moved through to the Bistro. 

It was like day and night, I almost checked to see if we had stumbled into a different restaurant. Cloth napkins, soft music, an abundance of pristine glassware - Unlike the front bar the bistro at the Emerald is going for a much more fine dining experience.

We took our seats, placed our cloth napkins on our laps, tucked into the veritable loaf of fresh bread that was delivered to the table, and checked the menu...

Target sighted. We placed our orders (three with chips and salad, Reviewer Nikki had to be difficult and go with the mash & veg).

The beer list at the Emerald leaves a little to be desired. Beyond Draught, Fat Yak & Great Northern there wasn't a whole lot on offer in the way of variety on tap.

After a relatively short 15 minute wait our meals appeared before us -

The Emerald parma with Chips & Salad

The Emerald parma with creamy mash & vegetables

Looking good! We tucked in without delay.

The schnitzel was of a decent size, real chicken breast and the crumbs packed an almighty crunch. It was big enough that I walked away satisfied, yet had no trouble clearing my plate. 

Downsides? The chicken was a little dry and stringy in areas, and the breast was hammered a little on the thinner side than what I prefer. Reviewer Nikki stumbled upon a bit of chicken skin still on her schnitzel which, while a great sign that these are house crumbed, non processed birds, was a little off-putting. Overall though it was a tasty main event I'd be happy to try again. 

The toppings were solid. An amazingly flavoursome napoli almost fully compensated for the lack of ham on the dish, and the cheese blend on top packed a sharp tasty punch and grilled to perfection. Overall though it was a tasty main event I'd be happy to try again. 

The seperate bowl was appreciated for the chips. While they were a bit of a boring cut they were served hot and well seasoned. Although I regretted not ordering a side of gravy for chip-dippage they were a decent side to the meal.

The salad, like the pub itself, was a split of two different salads. The top half, while fresh, crisp and chock full of flavour (onion, cucumber, tomato) was quite dry and light on the dressing. The bottom half, however, while being light on anything but lettuce, was absolutely swimming in tangy dressing. There was probably one fork full in the exact middle that was perfect while the rest leant too far one way or the other.

“I was the only one to have mash & veggies so I’ll talk about that - The creamy mash was spot on and delicious. The veggies, while pretty tasty, were a little on the boring side. Overall a decent parma”

— Nikki

“Napoli was awesome, Chicken was a little thin.
Salad was nice at the start but drowning by the end ... All in not bad!”

— Fridge

“My chook was a little pink, but tasty! Chips were nice and salty. The salad was drowning in dressing!”

— Erin

Value wise I was happy with this purchase, but not thrilled. $25 is pretty pricey for a parma, but when you factor in the delicious fresh bread that arrived before our meal the cost is a little easier to bear. If the linens and bread are of no interest to you the Emerald front bar offers a $15 parma on their bar menu - I can't speak to if its the same quality as the parma in the bistro, but as there seemed to be only one kitchen producing the meals for both it would have to be pretty close.

I was pleasantly surprised with our visit to The Emerald. It's a quaint, family style pub that has managed to keep it's old world charm despite being up against the massive competition for business that is Clarendon Street and surrounds. Sure the parma wasn't perfect and could use a little improvement, but it was a tasty dish none the less.

The staff were all friendly and seemed happy to be there, and overall I'm glad we ended up there this week. I guess you could say the Emerald hotel is a bit of a hidden gem. 

(I'm sorry. I had to.)

Parma - 7.20

Chips - 6.73

Salad - 6.00

Value -  6.67

Total - 6.76

The search continues...

#305 - 'The Junction Hotel'

Where? - 1 Plenty Rd. Preston

Price? - $24.90

Website? http://www.junctionhotel.net.au/

Reviewers – Lee & Nikki

First things first - This isn't a re-redo of the Moonee Ponds Junction, nor is it another visit to Newport's Junction Beer Hall (apparently Melbourne has a lot of Junctions).

Junction #3 is located on the Preston/Thornbury border, nestled in the wedge between the junction of Plenty Road and High Street. It's a cool looking building, a little backwards as the back beer garden is at what I would consider the front of the pub (on the corner), but whatever works for them. 

Lets not mince words - The Junction is a pokies pub. Top to bottom every sign in the place is either advertising some sort of gambling or begging you to sign up to their "Pegasus Rewards Program" - Which actually has a some parma-related benefits that I'll get into in a moment. 

We arrived at the Junction, pulled up into the ample carpark out the back and headed in. The onslaught of signs for the Pegasus Rewards was bordering on laughable, but the first one I did notice was a picture of a parma with the caption "Two for one meals 7 days a week". Hm. Okay, that seems like a good deal. 

We entered the empty bistro (it was early, just before 6pm) and grabbed a seat. The first question we were asked by the very friendly staff was if we were members. We said no and got the standard menu. We spied our target for the evening. 

The price struck me as a little much. $24.90 is top-tier parma pricing ... Asking that much for a parma at a pokies pub is pretty much unheard of! It'd better be damn good for that price. We placed our orders at the bar, grabbed a beer from the very limited tap menu and waited for the food to arrive. 

I can't say the interior decor at the Junction is my favourite. It's very brightly lit and furnished, not an ounce of dank to be seen anywhere. Beyond the bistro is the Sports Bar, which fares a little better (There's a $16 parma on the menu in there, not sure what is different about it), and past that is the aforementioned beer garden - Which I actually thought was pretty neat. The corner location would make it a great spot for some people watching on a lazy weekend afternoon. 

After downing an entree of some quite tasty and generously topped bruschetta, the main event arrived from the kitchen...

We armed ourselves with cutlery, tucked in and ... Holy shit that's hot! The parma was absolutely piping hot to a degree we have rarely experienced in over 300 reviews. It was scalding. Normally a parma cools down as you eat it - I was still blowing this parma cool to the last bite. 

The plate was hot too, and the schnitzel was quite dry. Did they keep the parma under heat while we ate our bruschetta and it dried out/heated up in its time there? If that was the case I would have much preferred a juicier parma that wasn't burning with the heat of a thousand suns.  

Other than the dryness of the parma the schnitzel was decent. A little small for the price tag but at least it was real, unprocessed chicken breast. Crunchy crumbs that were bordering on being too thick, but acceptable. It's actually a real shame that it was so dry as I think this one had the potential to be surprisingly decent. 

The toppings were a bit of a mixed bag. The three cheese blend was spot on - Flavoursome, plentiful and grilled to perfection.

The ham slice was appreciated however it was a little lost amongst the other elements. The napoli was pretty much just tomato paste from a can (either that or the parma's time under the heat lamps evaporated the napoli to a tomato-paste like state) 

The chips were fine. Unexciting but fine. Cooked well (not as hot as the parma) and dusted with chicken salt, which is always a nice surprise. Regretted not getting a side of gravy for chip dippage, and could have used an extra handful of chips on the plate at least. 

The visually striking colourful salad was topped with a bright yellow dressing that I assumed was some sort of honey-mustard, but on tasting it didn't get that at all. Maybe its just me but I got a strong "seafood cocktail sauce" vibe from the dressing that just didn't go at all. I'm normally a fan of heavily dressed salads, but in this case it was a little too much and just didn't work for me. 

“An okay parma if it weren’t so dry. Chips were good but I was not a fan of the salad dressing.”

— Nikki

At full price this parma is not at all worth it. If we had've signed up as members and gotten it as part of a 2 for 1 meal deal it would have been passable, but definitely not 25 bucks worth. 

Members also have access to a $16 parma for lunch, and there is a "Parmas of the World" night on Wednesday nights that nets you a novelty parma (Mexican, Italian, Spanish, Hawaiian, Greek or Traditional) for $15. If you qualify for any of the not-full-price options then maybe it's worth a crack, otherwise I'd give it a wide berth. 

There is a lot to like about the Junction. The beer garden was cosy, the staff were super friendly and attentive, the bruschetta was a tasty entree - But the parma had one too many stumbles for me to recommend it. I think it's likely that we just got a bad one as it had some quality elements trying to shine through, however I can't see myself hurrying back to confirm if that theory is true. 

Parma - 6.40

Chips - 6.80

Salad - 3.50

Value - 4.50

Total - 5.52

The search continues...

Crossing the Road #2 - 'The Gates'

Where? - 444 Gaffney St. Pascoe Vale

Price? - $20

Website? http://www.thegatespizzaandkitchen.com.au/

Reviewers – Lee & Nikki

Delivery areas - Aberfeldie, Airport West, Batman, Broadmeadows, Brunswick, Campbellfield, Coburg, Dallas, Essendon, Fawkner, Gilberton, Gladstone Park, Glenroy, Gowanbrae, Hadfield, Jacana, Keilor, Maribyrnong, Merlynston, Moonee Ponds, Moreland, Niddrie, Oak Park, Parkville, Pascoe Vale, Strathmore, Tullamarine, University of Melbourne

Fun fact - I've been living in Melbourne for nearly 34 years and before typing it moments ago I had no idea that "Merlynston" was a suburb that existed in our city. I had to Google maps it to find out exactly where it was (between Coburg and Fawkner, apparently). I guess you learn something new every day!

In case you missed the first issue of Crossing the Road back at the start of March, here is the quick spiel explaining what it's all about once more -

The point of Crossing the Road is to feature some parmas that, while they may be great, never get a guernsey as they are only available via delivery. The Menulog, the Uber Eats, the EatNow, the Delivery Hero and the Deliveroo parmas that, while not boasting the same atmosphere and range of alcohol options as a parma at your local pub, afford the opportunity to eat a parma without pants and not be told "You have to put on some jeans or get out of the bistro", "people are trying to eat" and "for the love of god sir, where are your underpants?!"

It's been 3 months and I still think that underpants thing is one of the best things I've ever written. Anyway, so now you're up to speed. 

The Gates in Pascoe Vale is one of the parmas that inspired the existence of Crossing The Road, we kept getting emails recommending it to us and it was actually intended to be the target of Crossing the Road #1, but I found out at the last minute that they weren't open on the day we wanted to do it, so we found the other place instead.

So with the parma bus parked in the driveway I fired up my phone and placed our order with The Gates. 

Our last Crossing the Road went overboard with the screenshots - It looked like an ad for Menulog by the time we were done (which this isn't, I'd be upfront if we were running any sort of cash-for-comment scam here), So I'm gonna do my best to cut back on the screenshots as I'm sure you all know what Menulog looks like by now.

The parma is a little hard to find, even though it is listed in their "Popular Items" at the top of the page it is squirrelled away as a customisation of the Chicken Schnitzel...

The schnitzel on its own is $18, the parma toppings sting you an extra $2. Besides the straight up parma there are other schnitzel options available at various prices (Bolognese parma, Mushroom sauce, Pepper sauce, Cream & avocado and Mexican).

Added to cart. There's no booze delivery at The Gates so we'll have to make to with soft drinks and beers already in the fridge tonight. Even for soft drinks it's a bit of a disappointing selection, with Pepsi-brand only stuff choices are very limited.

We placed the order at 5:15 and received an estimated delivery time of 5:55. Our parmas turned up at about ten past 6. Still within an hour, but slightly past the given time. 

Hold on, these things never photograph well in their take away containers. Let me plate this bad boy up so we can really see what we're dealing with...

Much better!

I was honestly blown away with how much food was there after I plated it up, those take-away containers hide a deceptively huge meal that would go unnoticed if not for the plate to give it a bit of scale.

We tucked in. I've had enough delivery parmas to know not to get my hopes up until the first bite... And it was decent! A real, unprocessed chicken breast of a respectable thickness - Which makes me wonder why they over-crumbed it to within an inch of its life. 

It was crumbed as if they were hiding something when they had nothing to hide. The chicken was great, impressively sized and well cooked - But the crumbs were way too thick. 

The toppings were also decent. Other than the napoli being a bit too tomato-pastey for my liking there was nothing too offensive about it. Plenty of cheese, flavoursome and grilled to perfection, nothing to complain about there. 

As I mentioned in our recent La Porchetta review, I don't understand why pizza places are so afraid of putting ham on their parmas. They would go through literally hundreds of kilos of shredded ham a month on their pizzas - But I have yet to find one that will shredded-ham up their parmas. If anyone from the Gates is reading this - heed the advice I gave to La Porchetta - Take advantage of the fact that you have a full array of pizza toppings within arms reach and pile some of them on top of my parma!

So, um, yeah - A bit of ham would have been appreciated.

When I plated up the parma I was blown away by the amount of chips that came out of that foil tin. It was a hefty serve that I honestly couldn't get through. They were served hot (if slightly soggy from the steam) but dusted with chicken salt and, while slightly too oily for my liking, quite tasty indeed.

The salad actually impressed me. It was fresh, crisp, well dressed in a tasty balsamic and, most important, avoided the pizza shop cliche of jamming every ingredient from the veggie garden into their salad. They kept it simple - Lettuce, tomato and cucumber, and I appreciated the restraint.

$20 for a parma isn't too bad. The minimum delivery at The Gates is $20 so if you've got a well stocked fridge you could get away with ordering just the parma and nothing else. The $5 delivery fee through Menulog was a little steep in my opinion, but aside from donning pants and driving out to Pascoe Vale to pick up the parmas directly there isn't much that can be done about that, and if I'm going to that much effort for a parma I might as well just go to the pub. 

Out of the 2 parmas we've done on Crossing the Road so far I'd say The Gates is definitely the best of the bunch... If two can be considered a "bunch". Yes there were a few things to complain about (overcrumbed schnitzel and oily chips), but overall it was a big meal with quality elements all around for a relatively decent price. Worth a crack if you're in the delivery zone. 

The search continues...

#304 - 'The Vault'

Where? - 13 Ballarat St. Yarraville

Price? - $21.50

Website? http://www.vaultcbr.com.au/

Reviewers – Lee, Nikki & Tony Q.

First things first - When did Yarraville get so insane? Trying to get a carpark at 7pm on a Thursday was harder than snagging a spot at Chadstone on Christmas Eve. The extremely narrow streets didn't help matters either, while everyone else in Melbourne had finished their evening commute Yarraville was in gridlock. 

I can see why it was busy, however, Yarraville has transformed into a bustling little community of wine bars, cafes and a massive selection of restaurants - All crammed into a two block radius. If it didn't take us half an hour to park the car I'd be very keen to head back and see what else they had on offer. 

In case you missed the title of this article and the picture above, our target for the evening was The Vault. A Hybrid Cafe, Bar & Restaurant that recently got an outstanding write-up in the fantastic Western Suburbs Food Blog Consider the Sauce, in which their Wednesday $15 parma night received a glowing recommendation. Pretty much all I need to give it a crack. 

We arrived at the Vault to find a spacious and funky space. Not at all cramped with plenty of seats available (although they did fill up as the night progressed, so best to book if you're considering popping in).

We snagged a booth in the corner, soft and cosy, primo seating for the evening. 

If we weren't in the middle of a bitter cold snap I would have considered the front courtyard for our meal. It's high perch at the front of busy Ballarat St. would make it the perfect spot for people watching on a warm night, however on the first day of Winter we were more than happy to stay indoors. 

We checked the menu...

That's quite a spiel! I'm normally the one to claim that the a chicken breast be "grilled to perfection" but they've gone and done my job for me.

As I mentioned earlier, the Vault does their parma night on Wednesdays - Unfortunately we were a day late to get the cheap parmas and wound up picking from the full price menu. Thursday nights, however, are Burger Night, and I must say the quality and quantity of burgers we saw coming out of the kitchen bode very well for them. Hopefully their parma was also up to par. 

The beer list was extensive. I was surprised to find a place with more of a cafe vibe to have a decent selection of taps running as well as some solid options in the bottle. The drinks list was impressive all round, with a massive range of spirits, wines and cocktails to choose from as well.

We ordered our parmas and eagerly awaited their arrival. If I were one to whinge I'd say we waited a little too long. It wasn't that busy when we ordered and I was well and truly finished with my pint before the food arrived - However just as I was getting concerned the food arrived. 

Okay. Guys at The Vault? We may need to have a discussion as to what "grilled to perfection" means. 

I mean... You know what my complaint is going to be, right? All three schnitzels were burnt to literal blackness - And the one pictured above wasn't the worst hit, reviewer Nikki's parma fared even worse than this one did. 

A shaky start, but we tucked in. 

Under the charcoal, the schnitzel seemed to carry a more battered-style than straight crumbs. We've encountered this before to varying degrees of success. 

I got glimpses of what they were going for. Once cut the schnitzel was great quality, thick and I could detect the flavours trying to come through on the crumbs, however that was all obliterated due to how the schnitzel was presented. 

The toppings were decent. Rich, juicy napoli had some great, homestyle flavour. The cheese was applied liberally and grilled to varying degrees of success (Reviewer Nikki definitely drew the short straw this week, as not only was her parma burnt more than anyone else's the cheese on top was melted less than anyone else's).

The ham was cut thick and also did its best to make its presence on the dish known. 

Apologies for the blurry image. I've got nobody to blame but myself for that user error. 

The chips were so/so. A decent sized serving but they were bordering on lukewarm and not a stitch of seasoning on them. A bit of salt brought them partially back to life, but unfortunately not quite enough to satisfy. 

The garden salad was one of the weirdest we've ever come across. At its core it was a standard garden salad - Lettuce, onion, cucumber & cherry tomatoes. However the Vault has made the very strange decision to add boiled carrots, eggplant and sweet potato. The lettuce leaves and cucumber were fine - the boiled veggies mixed throughout were out of place. As Kenny perfectly put it in his review - "put this salad in the try-too-hard bag."

“Somehow my parma was burnt yet the cheese on top was barely melted. The chips were unseasoned and the salad had some “interesting” additions. The wine was great, however I probably won’t be rushing back.”

— Nikki

“Good parma & salad but the chips weren’t up to par. No seasoning, no flavour”

— Tony

There were quality ingredients abound in this review - If it had have been cooked well I would have been perfectly happy paying another $21.50 to try this again. However if you're keen to give it a go maybe err on the side of caution and check it out on Wednesday's $15 Parma night instead. 

There were hints of greatness in the Vault parma, There were an abundance flavours trying their hardest to push their way through - However that was all obliterated by a horribly burnt schnitzel that they felt was fine to serve to customers.

Accidents happen, I understand - If they had've come out and said "look, there's been a hiccup in the kitchen, we're just whipping up a fresh batch of parmas for your guys so there's going to be a slight wait ... Here's a drink on us for your trouble" We would have been perfectly happy - But they didn't. They served up a burnt parma, and the meal was quite the disappointment as a result. Won't be rushing back. 

Parma - 6.50

Chips - 5.33

Salad - 5.50

Value - 5.83

Total - 5.93

The search continues...

#303 - 'The Imperial Hotel: Re-Redux'

Where? - 2-8 Bourke St. Melbourne

Price? - $26

Website? http://www.bourkestreetimperial.com/

Reviewers – Lee, Nikki & Tony S.

Okay. Deep breath. Lets do this. 

If you're new to ParmaDaze, a bit of back story. Before The Birmingham pipped them at the post, Bourke Street's Imperial Hotel was our champion for quite a while, so long that they took our our golden chook award for four years straight. It was a damn fine parma and an absolute delight to behold. 

Then the unthinkable happened. Reports started coming in that the Impy parma had taken a dip in quality. "Surely not" I thought to myself, "there's no way they'd do that". However the emails and comments kept coming in ... Something was amiss with the Imperial's parma, so last night we loaded up the parma bus and headed in to investigate. 

First things first, the Imperial looks great. A coat of paint and a facelift both inside and out has really injected new life into the old girl.

Our Golden Chooks are still displayed with pride behind the bar

The rooftop beer garden is stunning, possibly one of the nicest in Melbourne. A tragedy that you can't get a parma up there. 

The pub was absolutely pumping when we arrived on Thursday night, so much so we almost didn't get a table as they were booked solid, but we lucked out and managed to snag one in the front bar. 

We spied the menu...

Good to see the price tag hasn't changed at least. 

One thing I love about the renno's at the Impy are the new beer founts they have put in (pictured in the bar pic above). With a clear window at the top you can actually see the colour of the beer before it is poured. No more accidentally ordering a stout when you felt like something light. 

The moment of truth arrived. The parmas appeared from the kitchen. As is tradition with Redo's lets have a look at a before-and-after...

The Impy parma circa 2013

The new Impy parma

It looked okay! At initial inspection I thought to myself "this is fine! sure its slightly smaller than usual but nothing too bad. Maybe its all just an exaggeration?"

We cut in and started eating. Seemed fine, however the change readily became apparent... There has definitely been a dip in schnitzel quality. 

It's subtle, but its there. The chicken is smaller and thinner, which leads to it being less plump and juicy than its predecessor, not to mention the crumbs don't have as crisp of a crunch as they used to. Don't get me wrong - This is still a fine example of a parma and anyone eating the Impy parma for the first time would still rate it pretty highly. But there has definitely been a change, and that change is almost entirely due to the drop in quality of the schnitzel. 

Cross-section circa 2013

New Impy cross section

However, not all of the changes were for the negative. One of our major criticisms of the Impy parma in the past was that it was always quite light on the napoli sauce - This is a problem of the past as they have most definitely upped their napoli sauce game. All of the toppings seemed to have received a boost, actually - Mountains of cheese, rivers of napoli and lashings of ham on a parma that always felt slightly light on the stuff up top. 

The chips are also ever-so-slightly improved with the addition of a dusting of herb flakes throughout. Still served in a seperate bowl and still the near perfect example of how to do a beer battered chip, the sprinkle of seasoning both looks and tastes great. 

The salad is the same. Still loaded with shaved parmesan and balsamic, enough to negate any sort of health benefit you would hope to gain from eating a salad - just the way we like it. 

While quite pricey at $26 the Impy always got a pass from us on value as it used the highest quality ingredients. Now, I'm not too sure. To be honest if cost is a factor I'd happily pay an extra few bucks to return the parma to its former, amazing glory. 

I don't normally do my outro after giving scores, but there is some stuff to clarify both before and after scores this week. So be sure to read right to the bottom. 

Okay, so, scores. 

The old score for the Impy parma was a whopping 9.25. However after schnitzelgate 2017 I'm starting by deducting 2 points off that for the drop on schnitzel quality for the Imperial parma - However they are gaining 1 point back due to the increase in topping quantity and quality since our last visit, leaving the parma score at a respectable 8.25.

The chips used to also be at 9.25. With the addition of the new seasoning I'm giving it an ever-so-slight bump to 9.5. 

The salad remains unchanged to the score remains unchanged, so holding firm at 8.17

I'm not quite as happy shelling out $26 after the drop off in schnitzel quality, so I'm docking the Impy another point in value from 9.25 to 8.25.

Lets see how that plays out! 

Parma - 8.25

Chips - 9.5

Salad - 8.17 

Value - 8.25 

Total - 8.48

8.48, down from 9.03 is still a damn respectable score (and rightfully so, as its still a pretty great parma) and amazingly the score drop doesn't drop them out of their spot of 2nd place on the ladder - It does, however, open up a pretty wide gap for another pub to slip in and take their place.

To the lads at the Impy if you're reading this - I still love your pub, the renno's look great, but please take this as an intervention to restore your parma to its former glory. Hell with the other improvements you've made if you brought back the OG schnitzels you may even have a shot at the crown once more, and we'd be one step closer to finding the perfect parma.

Oh, and let me have a parma on the roof!

The search continues...

#302 - 'La Porchetta'

Where? - Level 1, Highpoint Shopping Centre, Maribyrnong. 

Price? - $22.90

Website? https://www.laporchetta.com/

Reviewers – Lee, & Nikki

I'm pretty sure its safe to say that La Porchetta needs no introduction. With over forty locations around the country it's safe to say that everyone reading this has at least seen a La Porchetta at some stage in their lives. 

We avoided it for many years, but in my heart of hearts I knew that one day reviewing La Porchetta's parma offering was inevitable. 

If you've been living under a rock, or in a cave, or on the moon for the last 20 years, La Porchetta is basically the McDonalds of Italian Restaurants (and I don't mean that as an insult, I love Maccas), It's a restaurant where you know the menu will be the same, the decor will be the same and the food will be the same at any of their locations, So I think we say that the food we experienced at our review of the Highpoint Shopping Centre La Porchetta is more or less what you will experience at any other La Porchetta location. 

Partly because it was close to home, partly because I also needed to pick up a new pair of shoes for GABS this weekend, we chose Highpoint. Located on Level 1 in between a Pancake Parlour and a New York Minute burger joint, La Porchetta has been at Highpoint for quite a while, and has recently undergone some minor renovations, adding a selection of comfy looking booths down the middle of the seating area. Apologies that the photo above isn't quite up to date, its the most recent one I could find.

We arrived at La Porchetta much earlier than our usual 7pm start and was surprised to find the place was already filling up with patrons fortifying themselves for a night of Thursday late night shopping with a selection of mozzarella covered treats. We took our seats, checked the menu -

And placed our order. 

No tapped beer at La Porchetta unfortunately (although they did have a tap for Coke, oddly enough). The beer list was limited to a selection of stubbies. Peroni, VB, Corona. Just the basics here.

After a surprisingly short wait (15 minutes max) our parmas arrived from the kitchen

Lets be honest here, that is one ugly parma. A parma and chips on a plate without a salad never photographs well. Looks aside this thing was a behemoth. A massive schnitzel on a massive plate. We tucked in. 

To be honest, I was expecting a lot worse. I was expecting a schnitzel that looked as if it had come straight from the deli window at the Coles the next floor up - Imagine my surprise when I was greeting with real chicken breast! 

Other than its size and the fact that it wasn't an oversized chicken nugget, there were a few missteps with the La Porchetta schnitzel that hindered the experience a little - First of all the chicken was quite dry. The schnitzel was overcooked and there were quite a few burnt spots on the bottom of the crumbing (although points to them for pan frying instead of chucking them in the deep fryer) 

It was acceptable, but a little bland. 

Now to the toppings. Cheese and napoli, No ham in sight, a move I thought odd for a pizza joint, as 83% of the business of a pizza place revolves around the use of shredded ham, I'm sure the've got metric tonnes of the stuff out the back. 

Good cheese coverage, especially for such a large parma. It was grilled well but as a mozzarella-only affair it lacked the punch a proper cheese blend would provide. 

The napoli was fine, good amount but it was a little sweet for my liking, I don't like sugary napoli, but it may be fine for others. 

I don't like fries. I know I compared La Porchetta to McDonalds at the start of this review but this is taking it too far. Give me a solid steak chip any day. As far as fries go they were okay. Could have used some salt. The sauce pot for dipping was appreciated, however. 

When ordering we were given the choice of chips or salad. Nobody in their right mind would ever choose salad over chips, so we are invoking the You don't win friends with salad rule for this review.

Value is a tough one here. $22.90 is damn pricey, however this parma was freakin' huge. For the price there is no way in hell you're walking away hungry. At the same time the ingredient quality wasn't the best we've seen, and if you're a quality-over-quantity type of person this is a parma that might fall short.  

All in all the La Porchetta parma was better than I expected, but far from greatness. It reminded me of a (much bigger) parma you would make in your own kitchen. The flavours gave off a very home-style vibe. If you're after a hefty feed at an acceptable price then having a La Porchetta on every corner isn't the worst thing in the world. 

How would I improve it? It's a pizza place, your schnitzels are the size of small pizzas - La Porchetta needs to embrace that and pizzafy the hell out of their parmas. Add shredded ham, add salami, hell take their entire pizza menu and as "parma" as an option for the base, They've got all the ingredients in the kitchen already, time to put them to good use.

Parma - 6.5

Chips - 4.00

Salad - YDWFWS rule invoked.

Value - 5.00

Total - 5.40

The search continues...

Special Attempt - 'The Grand Hotel - Sydney'

Where? - 30 Hunter St. Sydney CBD

Price? - $18

Website? https://merivale.com.au/thegrandhotel

Reviewers – Lee & Nikki

Ahh Sydney. Land of Opera Houses, Harbour Bridges and one way streets with nary a hook turn to be seen. 

As promised in our 300th parma review we had a little trip planned to Sydney last week, and what would an interstate holiday be without sampling the local parmie offering? (yes, it's parmie up here. Although it tastes like dirt in my mouth, When in Rome speak like the Romans do).

But where to start? I took to Reddit and asked around, and while I got a lot of fantastic suggestions from the people of Sydney they were all a bit far out for us to Uber to. We were staying pretty central to the CBD and wanted a parmie in the vicinity. 

From there I stumbled onto this Urban List article about Sydney's best parmies. It seemed to exactly what I was after and wouldn't you know it? The only entry on the list in the CBD was The Grand Hotel. With quite a positive spiel my mouth was watering just from the description -

“Because we will eat double smoked ham any day of the week, The Grand Parmy is winning us over at this inner city pub food fest. Napoli sauce, parmesan and mozzarella seal the deal, and like any good pub dish, this winner comes simply with chips or mash and salad for a reliably delicious dinner or hearty lunch. ”

— The Urban List

Target acquired. 

One thing the Sydney CBD has over the Melbourne CBD is the sheer amount of pubs per capita. Back in Melbourne if you wan't a strip of pub after pub you're better off venturing to the outskirts - Fitzroy or Richmond or Brunswick. Sydney CBD seemingly has a new watering hole every hundred meters, and while not many of them actually have a parmie on the menu, it was refreshing to have so many options. 

We arrived at the Grand just on lunchtime on a Friday, and hot damn ... This place was popular. 

Imagine this image, but with about 150 thirsty businessmen crammed in every nook and cranny

We started by venturing upstairs (pictured above) a huge mistake as it was absolutely packed to capacity. A shame, as upstairs seemed to have a better, more craft focussed range of beers on tap than downstairs did. Disappointed, we trudged downstairs to a smaller, yet similar front bar. 

Which was also full. 

Luckily we managed to snag a table on the street, If you look at the exterior image at the top of the page you'll see a series of wooden tables jutting from the front of the building - we were there. A decent spot if you're big on people watching, Would be quite easy to sink a few pints and watch the hustle and bustle of the world go by on a lazy afternoon. Plus they had coat hooks, always bonus points for coat hooks. 

We checked the menu and spied our target -

Sounds delish, and with a novelty option thrown in for good measure! However as good as the deluxe parmie sounded, we both opted for the more traditional "Grand Parmy" this time around. 

I ordered at the bar and grabbed a pint, I was starting to get a little concerned at the half-hour point, but they were extremely busy, I was happy to grant them a little leeway. At the 35 minute mark our parmies arrived from the kitchen...

At first glance it looked alright! The addition of a lemon slice was something that we rarely see in Melbourne, and I would assume is a carryover from Sydney pub food being primarily about the schnitzel and not the parmie. I gave the lemon a squeeze, picked up my cutlery and tucked in. 

The schnitzel was real chicken, but there was a big issue with crumb fallaway. The slightly-too-thick crumbs had practically zero grip on the bird itself and fell off the second the knife hit the chicken. Other than that the schnitzel was fine - Nothing especially noteworthy, but nothing to report home about.

The promises made of double smoked ham wrote a cheque that the toppings definitely did not cash. Yes, the ham was there - but it was barely detectable and carried very little flavour - None of it resembling any kind of smokiness.

Much like the ham the napoli was there, but didn't offer much of a flavour profile. It was fine, although a few more spoonfuls would have been appreciated. 

The cheese was probably the best of the bunch. Applied liberally and grilled to golden brown perfection.

The pub chips were pretty standard. Could have used some seasoning and an extra sixty seconds in the fryer, but they did their job - An extra squeeze of the supplied lemon gave them a zesty tang that helped me forgive the lack of salt and/or a dipping sauce

The salad was probably the biggest disappointment on the plate. An unloved pile of bitter, wilted greens with the lightest drizzle of oil. One forkful was enough for me on the salad front. 

$18 is a decent price, and this is an acceptable parmie. If it were over $20 I'd probably be a little more miffed, but it was fine for the price. I didn't see any advertising for a particular parmie night. 

Had I not been recommended this parmie as one of "Sydney's Best" I probably would have been satisfied with it. Not overwhelming, not underwhelming, just a solid little meal for a decent price. 

However, as it was supposed to be one of the best I was left a little disappointed. I think there's some blame to be shared on my part - I should have listened to the people of Reddit for their suggestions and not some random listicle, or perhaps the "Deluxe Parmy" was the way to go instead - I do love a bit of chorizo.

I'm not gonna officially score this one, as it wouldn't be fair to put it on the ladder with all of the Melbourne parmas, But if I did I would estimate it fall somewhere around 5.5 or thereabouts - The horrid salad definitely hurting its score. 

The Grand Hotel had a great vibe, friendly staff and good beers (upstairs), its a shame their parmie missed the mark the way it did. 

Other than that I had a fantastic time in Sydney. Doyle's on the Beach was an absolutely phenomenal meal and some of the best seafood I've eaten in my life - So that's proof right there they can produce some quality grub

Catch you Friday for what promises to be a very interesting Melbourne-based redo.

Until then,

The search continues... 

#301 - 'The Dick Whittington Tavern'

Where? - 32 Chapel St. Saint Kilda

Price? - $23

Website? http://www.thedick.com.au/

Reviewers – Lee, Matt, Nikki, Stefo

Okay, First thing's first. Yes, the Dick Whittington Tavern is colloquially known as "The Dick", and yes, their attached bottle shop trades under the name "The Dick Liquor". Have a laugh, get it out of your system now. We've got serious parma business to discuss. 

The Dick has been on our list for a while now, I think it was originally recommended by a friend a good 3 - 4 years ago and has been stuck on our list since then, but after yet another recommendation to give it a crack we could put it off no longer and headed down to the St. Kilda end of Chapel St. 

The Dick is divided into a few areas, the Upstairs area reserved as an upmarket function space while downstairs is where the magic happens. First up we arrived to the public bar... 

... and pulled up a pew in front of the fireplace. There was a gaming area to the back and an unobtrusive TAB set up between the TV's, the perfect spot for a pint and a punt - Unfortunately a quick check of the bar menu revealed that we would need to move through to the bistro if we wanted to get our parma on.

The bistro was a quieter, more intimate setting than the public bar but I'd happily have a feed in either. Moments after sitting down we were presented with some fresh bread, olive oil and salt.

A very classy touch that was much appreciated.

We checked the menu. Please excuse the oil drips in the photo as I may have gotten a tad overzealous with my olive oil dippage. 

Spotted. A little let down as The Dick's website menu touts bacon on the parma in place of ham, but we always keep an open mind before passing judgement. 

Tap list is a little basic at the Dick (Draught, Boags, Creatures, Coopers, Stella, Squire) - If you're after something a bit on the craftier side they've got a decent selection of bottled options, Mountain Goat, Stone & Wood and Feral to name a few. 

After a 20 minute wait (glad they brought that bread out as we were starving) our meals arrived...

When it first hit the table the parma looked a little small, not to worry though as it had the thickness of pure chicken breast to back it up. Plump, juicy and crisp, with the crumbs carrying a fantastic crunch - There were some minor complaints around the table of it being slightly overdone, but for my money this was a very tough schnitzel to fault. 

The toppings were also great. My hesitance toward the lack of bacon was completely unwarranted as the gypsy ham that was quite generously used in its place was absolutely bursting with smokey flavour. The taste of the cheese struggled a little to make its presence known, but managed to do the job.

The napoli was probably our biggest criticism of the entire meal. It was fine, but there just wasn't enough of it. Another tablespoon or two and this would have been a hall-of-famer. 

The beer battered chips were delightful. Generous serving well seasoned and the offer for dipping sauces was made freely as the parma was delivered. A fine side to a fine parma.

The salad was pretty good also, points for serving in a seperate bowl. The garden salad of greens, cucumber, capsicum and cherry tomatoes with a healthy dose of balsamic dressing really hit the spot, although it may be a little too heavy on the dressing for some. 

“A very tasty meal! My one criticism would be that it lacked a bit on the napoli and could have been slightly bigger, but in all honesty there’s really not a lot wrong with this parma”

— Stefo

“Hard to fault this one - Napoli sauce was nice but would’ve liked a little more, yet the chicken breast was so well cooked I paid it no mind. I found the chips and salad portions to be just right, all in all a great serving!”

— Matt

“I loved this parma, the Schnitzel was perfect and the smoked ham delicious. My minor complaints being that it was a little overcooked and could have used some more napoli. Small issues that could be fixed to make this an amazing parma.”

— Nikki

$23 for the parma we received (bread included) is a perfectly acceptable price for this dish. I didn't see a specific "parma night" advertised anywhere in particular, however they do offer a Wednesday "Blokes Night", serving "half price mains to each and every lad who walks in the door" - Worth a crack at that price. 

I really enjoyed The Dick (phrasing). It was a top tier parma that I'd happily return for. The pub itself was a joy, and I have to make special note that each and every staff member we encountered was absolutely lovely, friendly and eager to have a chat. Definitely one to try.  

Parma - 8.38

Chips - 8.00

Salad -  7.13

Value - 7.00

Total - 7.78

The search continues...

#300 - 'Coach & Horses Inn'

Where? - 50 Station St. Clarkefield

Price? - $24 standard, $26 novelty

Website? None that I could find, only Facebook

Reviewers – Cale, Emma, Grace, Ivy, Kylie, Lee, Matt, Nikki, Shanan, Tony  

Sweet mother of all that is cheesy. 300 parmas.

I've covered all the sentimental "holy crap" stuff ad nauseum in reviews #100 & #200 - But hot damn, when we started this little project seven frakkin' years ago (Think about that. If a child was conceived after parma #1 at Mrs. Parmas it'd be a seven year old person by now. Good god that is scary) we never would have thought it would have endured as long as it has.

If you're reading this, thank you. None of this would be possible without your support.  

Now... To the parma! 

As is tradition on parma reviews ending in '00, we decided to load up the parma bus and head out of town. For #100 we went to Alexandra, for #200 we went to Echuca, so it'd stand to reason for #300 we'd go to Sydney!

Wrong! We went to Clarkefield instead. (Sydney is coming in a few weeks ... Shhh).

The Coach & Horses in (aka "The Clarkefield Pub") is a short drive outside of Melbourne, just on the other side of Sunbury. It is an old bluestone pub in the middle of nowhere that carries a very sinister reputation - A reputation as Australia's "Most Haunted Hotel". Strap on your proton packs folks, because this parma review just took a turn for the ghostly. 

I first used this joke in review #79 back in 2011 and I'm just as proud of it now as I was of it then. 

We loaded up the parma bus and drove the 45 minutes out of Melbourne to Clarkefield, a town of not much more than a train station and a pub. We pulled up beside the bluestone behemoth - The spectres on the sign made it clear we were in ghost country now...

2spooky4me

Inside the Coach & Horses is a warm and inviting pub. I won't deny there is a bit of a creepy vibe to the pub, but easily overlooked by a cracking open fireplace and friendly service. 

We took our seats in one of the back rooms of the massive pub and checked the menu -

Quite a few novelty options! Some pretty unique ones as well. Honey Mustard and El Dorado are definitely parmas you don't see every day.

If I was the management of the Coach & Horses I'd really play up the ghost angle in my menu. Who wouldn't want to try an Ectoparma? with Haunted Ham, Nightmarish Napoli and Chilling cheese. Missed opportunity guys!

We placed our orders and awaited the arrival of our parmas, we headed to the bar and grabbed a pint in the meantime. 

Beer list at the Coach & Horses is pretty basic. If you can't make do with VB, Carlton or Great Northern then you'll probably be disappointed. I'm happy with anything as long as its cold & bubbly, so we made do with a few pints of Carlton. 

About 20 minutes after ordering our parmas arrived...

I've got to say, I was a little disappointed when I first saw the parma. After 300 meals you'd think I'd be able to sum up a bird pretty well at first glance, and this one looked like a store bought, processed, crappy parma. 

But it seems I've still got some learning to do! To my surprise, under the crumbs I was greeted with pure, unprocessed chicken breast. Piping hot, juicy and cooked to perfection. The crumbs were quite soggy and there were a few issues of them not holding on to the chicken at all, but a minor complaint to a pretty solid foundation to the dish. 

The toppings were pretty great. Despite a major case of slippery cheese, there was plenty of it to go around. The napoli was the absolute star. Fresh, chunky, liberally applied and bursting with flavour. The ham was there, but lost amongst the cheesy-tomatoey onslaught to the senses. 

The chips were standard pub fare. Nothing to write home about but they did their job well. I was lucky enough to get the lion's share when it came to serving size, others around the table weren't as lucky. 

The salad, like the chips, was okay. Fresh and crisp, but lacking any real oomph. Could have used a bit more dressing. 

“Thoroughly enjoyed the parma as mine was well cooked with a generous heaping of napoli sauce & cheese. Chips were tasty and again a generous serve, however the salad was a little bland in comparison. Good value and overall a traditional pub offering”

— Matt

“I swapped chips & salad for chat potatoes and steamed veg - They were good! The napoli sauce on my Hawaiian parma was really tasty. The bottom of the schnitz was a bit soggy due to the pineapple and it being on top of the steamed veg. Overall it was a good parma and the service was great.”

— Em

“Not outstanding, but definitely worth checking out”

— Kylie

“Great venue for a few beers”

— Shanan

“Good solid base for a parma. I really enjoyed the napoli. Very cheesy however the crumbs were a bit soggy and falling off the chicken. Chips were okay. ”

— Cale

“I went for the novelty BBQ sauce parma. While it was tasty I missed the more traditional napoli that everyone else raved about and wished I had’ve gotten that one instead. A good parma, great pub, and I’m happy the ghosts didn’t get me!”

— Nikki

On a trip to the bar i noticed this sign - This sort of thing is why I love country pubs. Brimming with history. 

The weather report for the day was supposed to be gloomy and depressing - Luckily for us the sun managed to peek out from behind the clouds for the afternoon, so after our meals we pulled up a seat in one of the spacious beer gardens the Coach & Horses has on offer

I'd be perfectly happy in paying another $24 for the parma we received. It wasn't perfect, but it was a down to earth homestyle feed made with quality ingredients. There were advertisements floating around (not literally) for a "Around the world in 10 Parmas" Wednesday at the Coach & Horses -  $20 for your choice of 10 novelty options. Definitely worth checking out. 

I really like the Coach & Horses. Proper Aussie country pubs are a dying breed, and its comforting to know that one still stands a mere stone's throw from Melbourne. 

And with that, review #300 was done and we headed back to Melbourne - To be honest I was a little disappointed that we didn't see any ghosts on the trip. Maybe next time!

Oh, and I wasn't kidding about the trip to Sydney... Stay tuned for that one in a few weeks!~

Parma - 7.13

Chips - 6.25

Salad - 5.88

Value - 6.50

Total - 6.58

The search continues...

Special Attempt - Four 'N Twenty Chicken Parma Pie V.2

I know, I know, two Special Attempts in a row is a bit of a cop out, BUT we are heading out literally tomorrow for review mother-flippin' #300, this is just a little fill in to keep you occupied until then. 

Four 'n Twenty have been trying to crack the parma pie for a while now. I've listed this as "V.2" since we have done this before back in 2013 with their previous attempt at a parma pie. If you don't remember it might want to read that review to refresh your memory, as I'm probably going to be making a lot of references to it in this one. 

I didn't mind pie V.1, It wasn't perfect, but I thought the little schnitzel balls within the pie was an inspired way to transfer the parma experience to pie form. So when I heard last year that Triple M had teamed with Four 'n Twenty to create a brand new parma pie, my first thought was "why?", they had pretty much gotten it right the first time. 

When the parma pies were branded as the footy pie they were impossible to find. I had planned a special attempt when they were all the rage but a point-to-point search of all servos that I could find yielded no result. I had given up, Until I learned that Coles were now selling them in their freezers

On special for $4 per 4 pack. Bargain!

Cooking from frozen, I cracked one out of the bag...

V1 parma pie came with a microwave safe bag to ensure the retention of crispiness. V2 had no such bag. Nobody wants a soggy pie, so I checked the oven bake instructions on the pack. 45 minutes from frozen. Ughh ... Okay. 

Fired up the oven, chucked in the pie and 45 minutes later...

Okay! Freaking starving at this point, this was looking okay. Hot and crispy, as much as it was a pain in the ass I'd rather oven bake than microwave in the future. 

Out of interest I cracked open the lid and peered inside...

A river of cheese! With ham chunks floating on top. This was a promising sight.

I let it cool for a little, if this pie was anything like V.1 that cheese was hotter than the fires of Mount Doom in which the one ring was forged.

After a few minutes I was still a little worried about the temp, so opted to do the wimpy thing and proceed with a knife and fork

An eruption of tomato and cheese spewed forth. And to be honest it was actually pretty tasty! 

I had my suspicions, but to my dismay Four 'n Twenty have ditched the ingenious schnitzel balls for more traditional chunks of straight chicken throughout the pie. I will say there was more of it compared to the V.1 version, But in my opinion the schnitzel balls made for a more genuine parma experience.

Other than that it was a pretty solid pie! I am quietly stoked to have another three waiting for me in the freezer, although I doubt my drunk-at-2am self is going to have the patience to wait 45 minutes to heat the damn thing in the oven, hopefully its microwaved counterpart isn't that bad.

My thoughts on the V.2 parma pie are very similar to my thoughts on the V.1 parma pie - Not anywhere close to as good as a real parma at the pub, but worth a crack if you see them around. 

The search continues...

Special Attempt - Mix & Bake Easy-Peasy Chicken Parma Dog Biscuits

As we all know, this week in April is a very special, very sacred holiday for many around the country.

Thats right, earlier this week was International Pet Day. A "chance for those of us who own pets to show them how much we love them". Totally not a fluke that I bought the dog biscuit mix before I found out that this week was international pet day. Not a fluke at all. 

But! On this Good Friday, as a gift to those choosing not to eat meat on this day, I'm not going to parade photo after photo of delicious forbidden chicken under your nose, instead we're giving this week's attempt to the dogs. One dog, in particular.

Everyone, meet Molly. Aka. "Molly Moo", aka. "Mooza". 

As well as being a dog, she will be the guinea pig for today's special attempt. 

On a lazy afternoon's browse of eBay, I stumbled upon this...

Basically it's a powdered dog biscuit mix. Powdered Chicken Parma flavoured dog biscuit mix. Stir it up with some oil and water, cut out the bickies, put them in the oven and voila! Instant doggy treats. 

The instructions seem simple enough...

The ingredients seem to tick all the boxes. Chicken stock, dehydrated ham, powdered cheese and dehydrated veggies, which I'm calling as the napoli .

Although in 299 reviews I can't remember trying a parma with crushed kelp. But what the hell ... Let's do it! 

As you may be aware these "Cooking with ParmaDaze" segments are usually quite picture heavy, and this one will be no exception.

 First up the mix went into the bowl - 

Followed by the oil and water - 

And mix! 

The result is a ball of dough, laid out on a slightly floured surface - 

Rolled flat with a rolling pin - 

I'm not sure if the thing I found in the drawer was supposed to be used as a cookie cutter, but it was the only thing I had that resembled a cookie cutter. It did the job - 

Followed by laying the cookies out on an oven tray. There was enough dough to make a few more, but my tray was full and this was more than enough for the review.

At this point the cookies went into the oven at 180 degrees for 20 minutes. 

The Doggo waited patiently for her treats... 

And 20 minutes later they were done! 

We waited for them to cool down for safety, then the moment of truth was upon us. Would my faithful companion enjoy chicken parmas as much as I do? Or would I have to disown her first thing in the morning? 

I captured the first taste on video - 

Success! She inhaled that thing and was keen for more. The Mix & Bake parma bickie was a complete success. 

However, my job was not yet complete.  

I'm the parma guy. It's my mission to try every parma that is available. It became clear while I was kneading the dough that I was going to have to taste the biscuit. For the sake of my art. The website. For you, dear reader... I was going to eat dog food.  

I braced myself and took a bite. 

Hm.  

To be honest it didn't really taste like a parma. It didn't really taste like anything. Just rolled oats, flour and a very slight gamey aftertaste. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't pleasant and I won't be carrying them around in my pocket for the occasional snack, but they weren't as bad as I was expecting.  

And that's it! The rest of the biscuits went into a zip lock bag for Mooza to enjoy over the next few days.

I'd call this a success, the Mix & Bake Biscuits are surprisingly easy to make and went over fantastically with the pupper. Should I spy them at the shop I'd have no qualms giving them another crack (for the dog, not for me). From what I gather from the packaging and the email receipts I received from eBay, the mix is made at the Diamond Dog Food & Bakery in Seaford, and sold by Lucky Pet in West Footscray. Should be too hard to track down if you want to give them a go for yourself!

I hope you've enjoyed this special attempt for the pets in our life. Hope you have a great Easter weekend and I'll catch you next week (Hopefully for a more Human appropriate parma experience). 

#299 - 'Mt View Hotel'

Where? - 70 Bridge Rd, Richmond.

Price? - $23.50

Website? http://www.mtviewhotel.com.au/

Reviewers – Erin, Fridge, Kim, Lee, Matt, Nikki, Pat & Stefo  

Lets kick off this review by clarifying - I'm not sure if we reviewed the "Mt View Hotel" or the "Mountain View Hotel". The stone letters on the front of the pub say Mountain View, yet every mention of it on their website shortens it to Mt. View. I'm gonna stick with Mt. View.

Cool? Cool.

The Mt. View is a pub of levels. When you walk in the door you're in the dining area. Pass the hungry patrons and go down a flight of stairs to find the bar, along with a TAB and a fair few TV's showing a variety of sports games. Major sports bar vibe down this end. 

If you backtrack a little and go up the stairs from the bistro you'll find a pseudo mezzanine level. Much quieter with more of a lounge vibe, complete with pool table.

There is yet another level above the mezzanine, but I'll get to that later.  

We grabbed our table in the dining area and checked the menu for our target - 

Sounds delightful! I'm not normally a fan of roquette salads, but if executed well they can be quite tasty... and bb chips? What are bb chips? Could it be we have found another location that serves up the fabled Bad Boy Chips of legend? 

We placed our orders and got a few beers along the way. At the time of writing this review the current "Beer of the Month" at the Mt. View is none other than Mountain Goat Steam Ale, my current brew of choice and only $8 a pint. Fantastic news. 

About 20-25 minutes after ordering our meals our parmas arrived from the kitchen...

At first glance this looked like a quality parma. I was excited. Knife and forks in hand we tucked into the dish. 

The schnitzel was quality, pure chicken breast. Not quite as juicy as I would like, but passable. My major gripe with this parma from the get go was its temperature - The majority of my schnitzel was warm at best. It heated up a little toward the center, but on the whole it felt as if the Mt. View needs to invest in a bigger heat lamp, as half this parma was bordering on cold - Mine wasn't the only one, either, it was the same issue all around the table. 

The crumbs were a little soggy but not criminally so. It was a passable schnitzel. Not bad, not great. 

The toppings were a bit of a mixed bag, not unlike the schnitzel. There was a slice of ham, although its flavour was quite lost amongst the other toppings. As you can see from the above photo the cheese was in desperate need of a few more minutes under the grill. The napoli was okay, It was tasty however I highly suspect it came from a tin and was not freshly made. 

On to the chips. Turns out I let my imagination run away with me as it would appear that the BB on the menu stands for Beer Battered, not Bad Boy. Cue crippling disappointment. 

Yet as far as beer battered chips go these were pretty good. Unlike the parma they were served piping hot, crispy and not underneath the parma, with a pot of tomato sauce thrown in for good measure. If I had to nitpick I'd say I could have used a half-handful more, but thats probably just me being greedy.

The roquette salad was served in a seperate bowl, well dressed with a generous serving of freshly shaved parmesan cheese mixed through - An absolutely stellar salad with echoes of our long-time Parma of the Year champions The Imperial Hotel's salad. The Mt. View hit the nail on the head with this one. Fantastic side to the dish. 

We finished up our meals but weren't ready to call it a night just yet. I had heard murmurings of a decent rooftop at the Mt. View so we decided to pop our heads up to level 3, known as "A bar above" and see what all the fuss is about.

I love a good rooftop bar, and A Bar Above was absolutely phenomenal. With plenty of room, a fully stocked and operational cocktail bar, decent looking food circulating and a spectacular sprawling view of the great city of Melbourne in all it's glory. It instantly earned a place on my mental list of the best rooftop bars in the city. Will definitely be back. 

“My parma was unevenly cooked, or possibly had some time sitting unevenly under a heat lamp. Generally tasty otherwise, portion size was just right. Chips were a good standout here and the salad offering was fine”

— Matt

“Salad was nice but could have been a little bigger, chips were crunchy - Just needed a little salt. Chicken in the parma was good, napoli not bad but the cheese killed it. Awesome venue with a great view from the rooptop”

— Fridge

“The salad was the nicest part of the meal”

— Pat

“Great sides but the parma was average. Not sure what else to say but this could be a belter if some more love was given to the bird”

— Stefo

“Good sides let down by the lukewarm, bland parma that I was served”

— Nikki

$23.90 for this parma isn't too bad. The ingredients were great quality, just needed better execution. On Wednesdays the Mt. View offers up a $15 parma night with a few novelty options -

A pretty good deal, and I think the novelty toppings may help cover up some of the missteps this parma has taken. 

The parma at the Mt View wasn't bad at all, with a few tweaks to its execution it could be great - I'm hoping we just hit them on an off night. 

If you're in the area on a Wednesday I'd definitely recommend checking out the parma night at the Mt View, if only to have a squiz at the rooftop beer garden and its fantastic view of the city. 

Parma - 5.42

Chips - 7.83

Salad - 7.92

Value - 5.50

Total - 6.42

The search continues...

#298 - 'The Old Cop Shop'

Where? - 160 Bell St. Coburg

Price? - $25 without salad, $28 with salad

Website? https://www.theoldcopshop.com.au/

Reviewers – Lee & Tony

After the utter debacle that was our last attempt the pressure was on to find a decent spot for our next review - I'd be facing a mutiny if I put another shocker on the docket. 

It was a bit of a gamble to go for another place that had more of a restaurant-y vibe than a straight up pub, but from what I had seen of Bell Street's Old Cop Shop it was a bit of a combination of the two. 

The inside of the Cop Shop is fantastically done. Intimate and cosy without feeling cramped, and the memoribilia from the time the building served as an actual police station adorning the walls is a lovely touch. 

Beyond the restaurant and the bar is a much more relaxed courtyard. Plenty of tables, heaters for those chilly nights and the old holding cells are right there in case patrons get a little rowdy after a few too many beers. 

It was a nice night, so we pulled up a pew in the courtyard and checked the menu - 

Looked good. The $3 charge for a salad seemed a bit steep, especially for a parma we'd already consider on the expensive side, but here at ParmaDaze we're suckers for a good salad, and all in attendance shelled out the extra $3 for the greens. 

Not a huge range of beers on tap at the Cop Shop, but points to them for having a few crafty options on the taps they do have, including their own "Old Cop Shop Lager". I opted for the Thunder Road Full Steam Pale Ale - A perfectly fine beer for an afternoon in the sun. 

About 20 minutes after placing the order our meals arrived - 

Phew. At the very least it was better than last week's. Mutiny averted!

We picked up our cutlery and tucked in. Under the crumbs we were delighted to find a juicy, pure white chicken breast. Full of flavour and cooked perfectly. The crumbing was slightly soggy and didn't really have any crunch, but this is a minor nitpick - overall the schnitzel was a great foundation for this parma. 

The toppings were equally enjoyable. Fresh, flavoursome napoli remained piping hot under a delightfully tasty cheese blend - I am always partial to a bit of tasty cheese in my parma toppings and it doesn't show itself nearly often enough, the cheese on the Old Cop Shop parma was on point. 

There was a slice of ham, however it's flavour was pretty much lost entirely amongst the strong flavours of the cheese and napoli - But it's good to see it there none the less. 

The chips were pretty standard pub chips. They were well seasoned, although I would have killed for some sort of dipping sauce to really take them to the next level. 

The salad was pretty good. Fresh ingredients splashed with a flavoursome and zesty dressing - However the general consensus was that it wasn't $3 worth of salad. As much as I enjoy a good salad with my parma if I find myself at the Old Cop Shop again I'd keep my $3 and put it towards my next schooner instead. 

“Great parma, great chips, salad wasn’t worth the $3”

— Tony

This was a tough one to give a value score. The parma was quite tasty and it was overall a very enjoyable meal. The ingredients were top quality and everything was prepared with skill... However $28 with a salad is a bit rich. If this parma was $25 straight up with a salad I would be singing it's praises. The extra $3 slug for a salad is just unnecessary - If I made the decisions at the Cop Shop I'd split the difference - charge $26.50 for the parma (with salad) and have a lot more happy patrons. 

A sandwich board out the front of the Cop Shop advertises a $20 Parma & Pot lunch special (until 3pm) from Monday - Thursday. I'd definitely recommend stopping in and checking it out at this price if you can. 

I enjoyed my trip to the Cop Shop. There aren't many quality places like this in the Coburg area, and the Cop Shop is a welcome addition. The parma, despite a couple of minor missteps, was damn tasty, and I'd happily go back and enjoy it again. 

Parma - 7.25

Chips - 6.5

Salad - 6

Value - 6.3

Total - 6.68

The search continues...